Three the Hard Way

In this day and age, it seems the world is tearing itself apart from the inside. The killing, the hate, the violence, it seems worse than ever, especially when it comes to race relations. Where am I heading with this with a movie review? As bad as race relations may have been in the past in the United States, movies were still able to have some fun (in some instances, much, much harsher views) with cliches and stereotypes. Take 1974's Three the Hard Way. It's a movie that instantly gained a cult following, but my goodness, I can't see a like-minded movie hitting theaters in 2015.

Living in Los Angeles, Jimmy Lait (Jim Brown) is a successful music producer who's thrown a curve when an old friend shows up dying on his doorstep, all the while mumbling something about someone promising to "kill them all." Jimmy doesn't make much of it until the friend is murdered while recovering in a hospital. He turns to two friends, Jagger Daniels (Fred Williamson) and Mister Keyes (Jim Kelly), a karate expert, for help, and the three follow the evidence to a startling conclusion. A white supremacist group has developed a serum that when placed in waterwill kill any black person who drinks that water, all within 72 hours. The whites? They remain untouched, an ethnic cleansing just waiting to be unleashed. Time is running out, and with three release points -- Washington D.C., Detroit and Los Angeles -- Jimmy, Jagger and Mister are racing the clock.

Wow. Just wow. What an amazing mess of a movie. I'm all for cult favorites, whole cult genres, and count spaghetti westerns as one of my all-time favorites. 'Three' comes from the blaxploitation genre, well, sorta according to director Gordon Parks Jr. This was a genre aimed at African-American audiences, focusing on the black culture, the black hero and for better or worse....how dumb, stupid and/or evil us white folks are. There's a style, a cool factor to these movies that permeates itself through the stories regardless of how goofy (and/or dumb) the stories might get. And let me tell you, this one is D-U-M-B. Thankfully, the cast is pretty cool and there's basically non-stop action through the second half of this flick.

Sometimes, a cool cast can cancel out a whole lot of badness, and that's at least partially the case here. It's really, really cool to see Jim Brown, Fred Williamson and Jim Kelly working together. The trio is having a ton of fun to the point the script....well, gets thrown by the wayside. It's three guys B.S.'ing each other, shooting the breeze, with lots of cool "jive" talk. Am I using that word correctly? Huh? Anyone? Okay, moving on. These are three actors capable of carrying an action-driven movie on their own so when you combine them you create UNSTOPPABLE AMOUNTS OF AWESOME. The trio kicks a lot of ass, gets a lot of action in the bedroom and assorted other places and yes, saves the entire African-American community from a dastardly fate that sounds like something ripped out of a D-level James Bond movie or the worst kind of 1960s espionage/intrigue. Blah blah blah cool heroes kicking ass!!!

Seriously though, that story. It's amazing. The villain's name is Monroe Feather (Jay Robinson), and he's obsessed with wiping out all black people in America. There's Doctor Fortrero (Richard Angarola), a brilliant physician who's developed the concoction that can only kill blacks while leaving whites and other races unharmed. And yeah, he looks unkempt and crazy. Too many scenes to count where they talk about their evil, master plan, too many hilarious scenes in general. Obviously, it's meant to be stereotyped and over-the-top and goofy, but this is just great stuff. None of it is to be taken even remotely seriously. Just sit back and laugh. Also look for Sheila Frazier as Jimmy's loving girlfriend, captured and taken as a hostage by Feather and his small army of inept enforcers. Even 1970's thug Alex Rocco comes around to act tough but really do nothing.

Where 'Three' differentiates itself is its action. Things are a little slow-going through the first 40 minutes or so as things are laid out, but once our triumvirate of heroes are introduced and assembled....it's ass-kicking time!!! They split up and head to our three choke points (D.C., L.A., and Detroit) where they stumble into a world where only action cliches can survive. Our heroes hit everything they aim at while whole squads of bad guys can't hit a the broadside of a barn if their life depended on it (and it does). When it comes to hand-to-hand combat, the bad guys attack one at a time rather than rushing and overpowering their opponent. In the process, an impressive body count is racked up. It ends up being pretty fun along the way.

Overall, things are pretty disjointed, brief scenes of dialogue holding the action together. We get some male bonding in between mixed in with some horrifically odd. Case in point? Three topless women -- three dominatrix -- torture a suspect until he can't handle anymore...and dies. From what though? Seriously, from what? Fear of holding off sexual release? It's a baffling, hilarious scene. There's a whole lot of that mixed in with some very cool location shooting, including some great shots of 1970's Chicago. Fun soundtrack from The Impressions and generally a sense of "Screw you" if you're not on-board. It's not good -- not by a long shot -- but it is mindlessly entertaining because it is so freakishly bad. And seriously, how does Jim Kelly dispatch villains so easily while wearing whole outfits made entirely of leather? One of those mysteries we'll never know the answer to I guess. Too bad...

Three the Hard Way (1974): ** 1/2 /****

Take a Hard Ride

Time for a little genre crossover today, one I love, one I'm fascinated by if I don't really like. The love genre? The spaghetti western. The disappointing fascination? Blaxploitation. Both genres were fan friendly flicks that weren't going to rewrite film, but dammit, they were going to be entertaining in a low budget fashion. Today's combo flick? That's 1975's Take a Hard Ride.

Having helped deliver a herd of cattle to market, a cowboy named Pike (Jim Brown) finds himself in a sticky spot. The rancher in charge of the herd dies soon after selling his cattle, begging Pike to return the money to his wife back at their ranch in northern Mexico. It's a hefty sum -- some $86,000 -- but Pike is a man of his word and intends to deliver the money. He begins to ride south toward Mexico, picking up some help in the form of shifty gambler, Tyree (Fred Williamson), and a mute tracker raised by Indians, Kashtok (Jim Kelly). The news of Pike's mission has spread like wildfire though, and anyone who can heft a gun is on their trail, all of them hoping to get their hands on that lucrative pile of money. One seems more dangerous than the others, a renegade bounty hunter named Kiefer (Lee Van Cleef), and he's not going to make this easy for Pike. Can the cowboy keep his word and get to Mexico safely?

What an interesting premise. This 1975 western had American and Italian backing so it's not a straight spaghetti western, but the down and dirty feel is still there. Director Antonio Margheriti shot his movie in the Canary Islands, giving 'Ride' a very distinct, unique look. No familiar locations here from countless other spaghetti westerns! The score leans more toward the American side and feels out of place at times. As a whole, the idea is pretty cool. You don't see a lot of African American actors starring in a western, much less three of them with some solid star power and name recognition. Throw three black actors into a spaghetti western formula and let things fall where they may. Now all that said....the idea is pretty good. What about the execution?

It falls short, but I'm gonna cover some positives first. The biggest positive is pretty easy to spot, and that's the cast, especially the leads. In Brown, Williamson and martial artist turned star Kelly, 'Ride' offers three of the biggest stars of the blaxploitation, three stars who had worked together a year before in 1974's Three the Hard Way. The cowboy, the gambler and the tracker are three archetypal characters in the western genre, and the trio has some fun with the roles. Brown is solid and not flashy, the quiet cowboy who believes in doing the right thing, even if that decision could prove deadly. Williamson gets the showiest part as Tyree, the gambler, a well-dressed, back-stabbing dandy who has no qualms about killing to get his hands on some money. In the coolest part, Kelly is mostly presence, his mute tracker killing quickly, efficiently and in brutal fashion at times.

Some cool characters for sure, and they look to be having a lot of fun throughout. I especially liked the dynamic between Brown's Pike and Williamson's Tyree, the duo reminding me some of Gary Cooper and Burt Lancaster in the very important 1954 western, Vera Cruz. These are two polar opposites, and that idea plays well. Pike wants to return the money no matter what, agreeing to let Tyree to tag along because an extra gun on the trail is never a bad thing. Oh, by the way, Tyree tells Pike he intends to kill him once they reach the end of the trail. Fun, huh? They have an excellent chemistry as two guys who aren't hiding anything. They're just waiting for their showdown somewhere down the trail. Also, that Lee Van Cleef guy is around too. He's awesome as always if underused. His presence is intimidating whether he's on-screen or not, a menacing gunman ready to dispatch whoever stands in his way.

Now, about that whole execution thing. I loved the premise of the movie, combining two hugely popular genres. The execution is a different story. It struggles to find a tone, juggling squib-heavy violence with buddy humor, and the blaxploitation's love of everything....well, how do I say this? Hatred of white people? The supporting characters are pretty cut and dry whether it's evil or stupid or both. Catherine Spaak plays Catherine, a widow on the trail with our heroes, prompting Tyree to say "Two black men, an Indian and a white woman." Laughs ensue! Barry Sullivan plays a law officer who puts away his badge to go after the money while Harry Carey Jr. and Robert Donner play two ignorant, bumbling cowboys doing the same. There's also some Johnny Rebs wanting to continue the Civil War, a greedy Mexican bandit, a cute Mexican boy, and two black guys on the trail who bitch and moan like a married couple. Talk about broad strokes.

With a 103-minute running time, things drifted too much for my liking. We get riding/talking scenes, brief shootout, campfire scene and then repeat. As well, the ending seems like one big old cop-out on numerous levels. Things build and build to a showdown, a proper shootout...and we don't get it. Now it may seem like I'm being overly critical, but I did enjoy this movie, just not as much as I would have liked. Still worth watching though, especially for western and blaxploitation fans alike. Even Dana Andrews makes a quick appearance early on!

Take a Hard Ride (1975): ** 1/2 /****

Riot

You know what was so great about the 1960s and much of the 1970s? B-movies just didn't care...like at all. Politically incorrect, racist, needlessly violent, in poor taste, random bits of nudity, drugs and rock and roll. They had them all! Sure, these weren't major studio releases that were too worried about public outcry -- audiences wanted all those things -- but still, there's a charm to the "We don't give a F***!" mentality. Today's entry? A prison flick, 1969's Riot.

Serving a five-year sentence for an unnamed crime, Cully Briston (Jim Brown) goes about his business as best he can, trying not to cause any issues at all. Well, that's about to change. Sent to see a deputy warden by a guard, Cully is in the wrong place at the wrong time in the administration building. A group of prisoners in isolation cells, led by Red Fraker (Gene Hackman), has managed to escape and take a handful of guards and officials hostage. They hope to buy some time and pull off an escape, but their plan is thrown awry when someone is able to signal the guards. Now, the group is forced to improvise as guards line the walls with every weapon they have. Forced to work with Red and his fellow prisoners, Cully has to tread a fine line. He's right in the thick of it but has to decide what's the best plan of attack for himself. He's gotta decide quick with time running out.

What an interesting movie. Based on a non-fiction novel from author Frank Elli, 'Riot' tells the true story of a riot in a prison with at least a couple possible influences. Now all that said, I can't find the real-life incident it's based on so go figure. 'Riot' has all sorts of positives that just wouldn't seem to work in a 2014 flick. For starters, it was filmed on location at the Arizona State Prison with the real-life warden playing himself. Actual inmates played many of the background and supporting parts. What?!? Brown and Hackman have one scene after another with real inmates. Now who knows, maybe these were inmates in prison for robbing a pack of gum, but they're in prison just the same. The locations, the prison inmate casting, it adds a real cool touch to the movie, a sense of authenticity in this gritty prison B-movie.

Now if you're going to have real-life prison inmates starring in your B-movie, you'd better have a couple actors/stars who can hold their own. Yeah, I guess Jim Brown and Gene Hackman qualify in that scenario, huh? Sorta I guess. Right in his heyday, Brown's Cully is the perfect anti-hero, calm, cool and collected as a prisoner thrust into an unlikely leadership role. He's trying to keep about 100 different plates spinning, all with an end game in sight. Hackman has a fun part too, avoiding anything too hammy as the confident, plan-wielding Red who sees that plan fall apart pretty quickly. Having worked together a year earlier in 1968's The Split, it's cool to see these two tough guy actors working together again. They're the two biggest names by far, and their scenes together were the movie's high point for me.

Who else to look for? Some recognizable names and faces if not big stars. Mike Kellin plays Bugsy, the antsy right hand man to Red who seems to buckle under the slightest push, while Ben Carruthers (who was one of The Dirty Dozen with Brown) plays Surefoot, a wild-eyed Indian hoping to put a knife right in Cully's gut. Gerald S. O'Loughlin plays Grossman, a tough-talking guard who freaks out when the tables are turned.

There are certain things that scream 1960s B-movie though, that lack of interest in doing anything mainstream or familiar. Where to start? It doesn't shy away from the brutality of prison life. We meet a gay prisoner/hospital attendant named Mary (Clifford David), not to mention two other prisoners dubbed 'Queens' in the cast listing. They dress up as women with skirts, underwear, wigs and makeup, and dance for the pleasure of the other prisoners. At one point, Brown's Cully has a great dream sequence where he escapes and is dropped off -- via helicopter -- at a pool surrounded by bikini-clad women. It's so cheesy it works. There's plenty of moments like that sprinkled throughout director Buzz Kulik's 96-minute prison movie. A little overdone but who cares? You get the sense Kulik stood there and just said 'Here's my movie. Hate it if you want.'

If there is anything misleading about the movie's title, well, there isn't much of a riot. The movie is far more of a hostage situation with some prisoners living it up detours. The build-up is interesting throughout as we wait to see which side will blink first, the guards or the prisoners, but it never quite builds to what you think it will be. The finale does offer a couple twists amidst some graphic violence, but 'Riot' wasn't exactly the movie you'd think it would be. Still highly entertaining and a very passable way to spend an hour and a half in the guilty pleasure department. In the anti-hero folk character department, Brown even gets a theme song, 100 Years, that you can listen to HERE.

Riot (1969): ** 1/2 /****

Draft Day

So the National Football League has been getting a lot of negative press lately if you haven't heard. Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, commissioner Roger Goodell, and that's just the start. A series of domestic violence involving wives and children, a major sports commissioner lying and those are just the ones dominating the headlines. So how about some good timing? It didn't exactly tear up the box office -- making just $29 million -- but can you imagine if 2014's Draft Day had been released this fall as opposed to this past spring? We're talking bad timing of mammoth proportions.

 The 2014 NFL Draft is just hours away and teams around the league are scrambling to make the right move, to make a big move, to make a splash. High on that list? The Cleveland Browns, slotted in at No. 7 and with a lot of tough decisions ahead of the franchise, especially general manager Sonny Weaver Jr. (Kevin Costner). The morning of the draft, Browns owner Anthony Molina (Frank Langella) all but threatens Sonny to hit a home run with the coming draft or get fired. What to do? Sonny has options, especially with the Seattle Seahawks call him offering the No. 1 draft pick. The asking price is pretty hefty -- three first-round draft picks -- but Sonny feels backed up against a wall. It's a tough call, but he pulls the trigger. The Browns have the No. 1 pick in the draft, now less than 12 hours away. With his job hanging in the balance, what will Sonny do? Who will he pick?

So why exactly did this sports flick flop at the box office last spring? Well, it reeks of being backed by the NFL and all its support. There are times it feels shoved down our throats about getting an inside look at the inner-workings of an NFL front office. From director Ivan Reitman, 'Draft' is a movie shot in swanky offices, conference rooms with dry-erase boards and lots of scouts, and one team office after another. It's dumbed down for even the most casual football fans -- "Seattle.....Home of the Seahawks" -- and never feels forced. It clocks in at 110 minutes and is enjoyable throughout. Just beware of all those real NFL cameos from Goodell to Chris Berman and Mel Kiper Jr. Potentially nauseating? Yes, basically at all times, but I liked it a lot just the same.

It's not the spectacle that works though. It's the smaller moments. Those windows where you feel you're actually getting an insight into an NFL team prepping for a draft. Sonny and the Browns are focusing on three players, the can't miss QB from Wisconsin, Bo Callahan (Josh Pence), the freakishly athletic LB from Ohio State, Vontae Mack (Chadwick Boseman), and the dual-threat RB from Florida State with some law issues, Ray Jennings (Houston Texans RB Arian Foster), who's got ties to the Browns via his father (Terry Crews), a former Browns superstar. Why does a team ultimately decide on their player? What detective work goes into it? Is it talent, character or drive? There are a couple great scenes where you feel you're getting some inside info, especially one trick several teams use concerning their playbook with potential rookie QBs.

Who better to lead an NFL franchise from the general manager spot than Kevin Costner? Trick question. No one. No one is better than Costner. It's been cool to see Costner jump back into regular acting roles from Jack Ryan to 3 Days to Kill to Man of Steel. He seems at ease in everything he does, bringing that cool, calculating charm to the screen with each role. Yeah, the personal drama with his salary cap analyst/girlfriend (Jennifer Garner) and his angry mom (Ellen Burstyn) and ex-wife (Rosanna Arquette) don't work as well as the football drama but that's to be expected. Costner is cool even if he's dealing with some hammy, forced personal and family issues. He's a G.M. trying to piece it all together with about a thousand different options at his disposal. Welcome back, Kevin Costner. We're glad to have you!

Also look for Denis Leary as the a-hole new head coach, Tom Welling as the Browns' incumbent quarterback, Sam Elliott as Callahn's college coach at Wisconsin, Patrick St. Espirit and Chi McBride as the Seahawks' GM and President, Kevin Dunn as a Browns official, Sean Combs as Callahan's all-powerful agent, and NFL/Cleveland legends Jim Brown and Bernie Kosar appearing briefly as themselves.

Things get a little goofy at times once the draft comes around in the final act. There's an epic case of luck as Weaver makes a decision that should have doomed his career as a G.M. and possibly the Browns as a franchise too in terms of player personnel. Is it a cool ending? Sure, Costner gets to flex his muscles with one twist after another. A little too tidy? Oh, yes, very much, but it works. Oddly enough....it's not too far from what the Browns actually did in the 2014 draft. Did this movie see into the future?!? Meh, that's too much thinking involved. It's a good, not great movie, that's an enjoyable way to pass two hours. An easy flick to watch and be entertained with.

Draft Day (2014): ***/****

100 Rifles

Almost but not quite. At the peak of their popularity in the late 1960s, the spaghetti westerns found their footing in theaters all over the world. Studios from a long list of different countries did their best to release their own imitations. They were filmed in spaghetti western locations, used spaghetti-sounding scores, and often featured familiar faces from the genre. One of the better examples of those imitations? That's 1969's 100 Rifles.

It's 1912 somewhere south of the Rio Grande in Mexico, and an Arizona lawman, Lyedecker (Jim Brown), has no idea what he's ridden into. Looking to keep his sheriff position on a permanent basis, Lyedecker has been tasked with arresting and bringing back an outlaw who stole some $6,000 from an Arizona bank. He actually finds the outlaw, a Mexican-half breed, Yaqui Joe (Burt Reynolds), in a small town but quickly finds out that Joe is wanted by the Mexican army as well. Now, Lyedecker finds himself working with the man he's supposed to arrest, but desperate times call for desperate measures. With an ethnic-cleansing minded general, Verdugo (Fernando Lamas), on their trail, Lyedecker and Joe race across the frontier. The key to them getting away? It may be a fiery Mexican girl, Sarita (Raquel Welch), fighting with the revolutionaries against Verdugo's forces.

Okay, let's get this out of the way. This is an entertaining, always interesting quasi-spaghetti western, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's good. The story drifts along with a series of episodic showdowns and some cool characters over a 110-minute running time. Any criticisms aside though, this is an excellent, action-packed shoot 'em up that western and action fans will certainly enjoy. Filming on location in Almeria, spaghetti western fans will no doubt recognize some of the on-location shooting. Maybe the best thing you can take away from '100' is the score from composer Jerry Goldsmith. Listen to an extended sample HERE, the best part of the theme kicking in about 40 seconds in and then again at 1:55. It's an underrated score, one of my favorites, a great whistle-worthy theme. The score was recycled seven years later in the 1976 western The Last Hard Men.

Nothing flashy but always enjoyable, '100' is a good example of a Zapata western, westerns with similar themes and stories involving the Mexican Revolution. We get all the familiar faces, genre archetypes you get used to seeing with enough viewing. The Mexican bandit/fighter is Yaqui Joe, the outsider, usually an American thrust into the fighting, Lyedecker, the fiery revolutionary, Sarita, the evil general, Verdugo, the German military adviser, Lt. Franz Von Klemme (Eric Braeden), and the American businessman working with the developing railroad, Grimes (Dan O'Herlihy). Like the better Zapata westerns, '100' covers a lot of ground with plenty of interesting characters. They're drawn in broad strokes, the good if flawed (Lyedecker, Joe, Sarita), the bad (Verdugo) and the messy gray middle ground (Von Klemme, Grimes). It is all familiar, but it is fun.

What ends up being the best part of '100' is the buddy dynamic between Jim Brown's stubborn sheriff and Burt Reynolds' fun-loving, live on the edge bandito. They don't like each other in the least, but their constant arguing, the never-ending bitching and moaning is pitch perfect, especially when they're thrown right in the mix of all the fighting. Yaqui Joe (half-American, half-Indian) actually used his stolen $6,000 to buy 100 rifles for the revolution, but Lydecker still intends to bring him back for trial. The only way to do it? Help Joe escape from the Mexican army. The rest of the cast is okay to bad. The worst? Welch, sporting a stereotypically heavy Mexican accent as Sarita. She's given any number of chances to undress or wear little -- including one shower scene while wearing clothes -- but this wasn't her best work. Lamas evils it up in impeccable fashion, thick mustache, constant sneer and pearl-handled pistols completing the look. 

Who else to look for? Braeden is underused as Lt. Von Klemme, a military adviser who sees the mistakes Verdugo is making with each passing day. O'Herlihy is solid too as the greedy American businessman, interested in making the railroad money and keeping his locomotive intact. Also look for Michael Forest as Humara, Sarita's muscle-bound enforcer who doesn't speak a word, and spaghetti western regular Aldo Sambrell as Sgt. Paletes, Verdugo's trustworthy non-commissioned officer.

Onto the action! And let me tell you, there's plenty of it. The story drifts along at times, a series of quick dialogue scenes broken up by said action scenes. Lots of gunplay, some good chases, all of it handled well with only an occasional slow-motion death here and there. We get the small-scale like Brown and Reynolds having a good knock-down fight about halfway through. On the far bigger scale, we see an ambush of a heavily guarded train in a seemingly empty desert, all of it leading to the epic final showdown in another well-guarded town. Is this a great movie? Far from it, but I'm always entertained, and Reynolds especially makes it worthwhile. He commits himself to the fun, and it always looks like he's actually having fun. A good, solid almost spaghetti western.

100 Rifles (1969): ***/****

Small Soldiers

With 1995's Toy Story, the idea of toys coming to life....well...came to life. While there was some really dark moments in that Pixar classic -- Sid comes to mind torturing his toys -- it was mostly a really sweet, really funny story about the lives of toys when their masters/kids aren't around. At its very basic, ground level, that's an incredibly unique idea, one all kids have thought of at some point. But what if Toy Story didn't tap the brakes? I think it would be a movie a little closer to 1998's Small Soldiers.

Helping his father run his struggling toy store, teenager Alan Abernathy (Gregory Smith) accepts (read = bribes) a shipment of new action figures during the latest delivery. From GloboTech Industries comes the Commando Elite, a specialist group of commandos headed by Major Chip Hazard (voiced by Tommy Lee Jones), whose sole goal is to eliminate their enemies, creatures called the Gorgonites, headed by Archer (voiced by Frank Langella). The toys are a new design, able to speak and respond to voice commands. Alan is stunned though when Archer doesn't just talk to him, but respond with unique answers to questions he asks. These aren't just any action figures, but that's only the start. Alan takes Archer home with him overnight, but meanwhile at the store, the Commando Elite have come to life too. Their aim? Kill Archer and his fellow Gorgonites.

While I love Toy Story, I can also appreciate how cool the premise here sounds. I'd seen bits and pieces of this quasi-family oriented science fiction story from director Joe Dante, but I finally sat down and watched it straight through recently. I liked it but didn't love it. Complaints to come, but 'Soldiers' gets a lot of points for originality if nothing else. What if G.I. Joe and Cobra toys came to life? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs. Shredder and the Foot Clan? Stands to reason they might try and kill each other, right? Yeah, as a kid who grew up with action figures, that's pretty cool. The graphics here are spot-on as the toys come to life. It's not CGI -- always a good thing -- and while it looks realistic, the toys are still toys. They can break (damn plastic!) and their movements are pretty stilted. It goes a long way in making it seem even remotely believable.

The focus is not exclusively on the toys. Our main character, Alan, has quite the checkered past and has been kicked out of two schools, forcing his family, including Dad (Kevin Dunn) and Mom (Ann Magnuson) to move. He meets Christy (Kirsten Dunst), his neighbor, and quickly hits it off with her...even though she only "dates" older guys. So, yes, at times the story focuses too much on that after school special drama, how tough it is to be a teenager and all that garbage. Come on, parents, trust me...even though I've given you no reason to trust me! This is the movie at its slowest and most dull, but thankfully, the story moves along too fast to stay in one place for too long. And back to the killer toys!

One of the coolest things about 'Soldiers' as a movie fan is its knowledge of past movies. Case in point? The Commando Elite are voiced by four members of the cast of 1967's The Dirty Dozen, and it would have been five, but Richard Jaeckel died before filming. The Gorgonites are voiced by the cast of This Is Spinal Tap. Getting in line behind the perfect voice casting of Tommy Lee Jones is Ernest Borgnine as Kip Kallagin, Jim Brown as Butch Meathook, George Kennedy as Brick Bazooka, Clint Walker as Nick Nitro, and replacing Jaeckel, Bruce Dern as Link Static. Along with the calmly voiced Langella as Archer, the Gorgonites include Christopher Guest as Slamfist and Scratch-It, Michael McKean as Insaniac and Freakenstein, and Harry Shearer as Punch-It. It's just fun to hear that many talented actors working together, even if it's only their voices. Also listen for Sarah Michelle Gellar and Christina Ricci as two Gwendy (knockoff Barbie) dolls.

The funnest and also darkest part of 'Soldiers' comes when the Commandos get loose and go gunning for the Gorgonites. It sounds goofy enough, even a little innocent in the fun department. How could toys kill toys? Well, it gets pretty extreme at times. The Commandos have been built with government chips in them -- thanks Department of Defense -- that turn seemingly innocent toys into brutal killing machines. Yeah, seriously, killing machines. They want to kill their rival Gorgonites, but also the people protecting them, like Alan, Christy and their families, including Christy's goofy Dad (the always fun Phil Hartman). They build assault vehicles out of bikes and skateboards, make weapons out of chainsaws and toasters. There's a cool factor involved in seeing these toys go on the offensive, but it gets pretty dark too, many moviegoers complaining the movie was mismarketed upon its initial release.

Also joining the cast are GloboTech's money-minded, condescending CEO (Denis Leary) and the developers of the Commandos and Gorgonites, Jay Mohr and David Cross. It's a fun movie with some pretty big flaws, but it is entertaining with some nice touches in the cast.

Small Soldiers (1998): ** 1/2 /****   

The Split

A stylish, dark heist flick from the 1960s with one of the all-time great tough guy casts. It's a winning formula for sure, especially for a sucker like me for heist movies. It took me years to track down 1968's The Split -- which I first reviewed in August 2009 -- and I was less than impressed with the film on my first viewing. When it popped up on Turner Classic Movie's schedule recently, I was going to give it another try. I mean....come on.....look at this cast!

A master thief who's gone off the grid seemingly for several years, a man named McClain (Jim Brown) is reunited with a former partner and an expert planner, Gladys (Julie Harris), when it comes to pulling off impossible jobs. They team up again, Gladys putting forth the plan; rob the L.A. Coliseum during an NFL playoff game that will net $500,000. McClain assembles a team of crooks who haven't worked together in the past, but he convinces them to put their differences aside with the thought of a very lucrative payday. The five-man team goes about planning the job with very little time to do so. The dangerous job is one thing though, but the fallout from the job may be even more dangerous, especially when an investigating detective, Lt. Brill (Gene Hackman), catches wind of them and is right behind them.

For years, this 1968 heist film from director Gordon Flemyng wasn't available in any form; DVD, VHS, nothing. Now, it's available on a burn-for-order DVD so if you've never seen it and are dying to catch up, there it is for you. First or second viewing though, I had the same issues. 'Split' has a lot of potential, much of it tied to the casting, but it never quite goes anywhere. It's got the style from its frame-in-frame credits sequence to its Quincy Jones soundtrack, the on-location shooting at the L.A. Coliseum to the dark nature of the team of crooks working together. All these disparate elements never manage to jell, ending up with a heist film that takes a really bizarre turn in the last third of the movie. A very disappointing end result because it did have so much potential.

How about that casting though? In assembling his team for the robbery, Brown's McClain brings together Bert Clinger (Ernest Borgnine), a gym owner and strong man, Harry Kifka (Jack Klugman), a down on his luck limo driver who will serve as the team's getaway driver, Marty Gough (Warren Oates), a temperamental safe cracker, and Dave Negli (Donald Sutherland), a smooth as ice hit man and hired killer. And NFL great turned action star Jim Brown for good measure?!? How can you lose??? Well, as dark and dirty as things get, something is missing from the group. The movie runs only 91 minutes and after McClain's recruiting, things move right along to the actual heist. The group is full of so many bad guys I never found myself rooting for them to pull the job off successfully. Still, it is an impressive grouping of star power, misutilized though they may be.

I think that's the problem for 'Split' in general. With so much going on, the right tone is never picked out. It bounces back and forth and among all these different things. Brown's McClain meets up with his jilted ex-wife, Ellie (Diahann Carroll), still holding a grudge, but darn it, she still likes him a lot as we see in a montage set to a Jones song as they walk along a beach. The actual recruiting of the team just feels a tad bit off, like certain things aren't fitting together well, but it's entertaining enough. The robbery at the Coliseum lacks a certain energy with no real catch of anything unique helping them pull the job off. But the biggest problem? That would be the final half hour.

One of the keys to a good heist film is oddly enough, not the heist. It's the fallout after the job when the cops close in, the team has to wait for things to cool down to get their money, and seemingly inevitably....turn on each other. That's fine and dandy, just about any good heist movie follows that formula. Ready for the derail? It comes in a really odd one-scene cameo from James Whitmore as Ellie's creepy landlord. Then, Gene Hackman doesn't even make his first appearance until 70 minutes into a 90-minute movie. From there on in, the story and twists and turns feel rushed. It's a pretty dark ending, but even that feels mishandled. The movie just sort of ends, leaving all sorts of questions unanswered. A truly disappointing movie, one that handled differently could have been a near-classic among the heist genre. Oh, and the above poster is bad, giving the impression the team is just a bunch of friends out to pull a job. Um.....no.

The Split (1968): **/****
Rewrite of August 2009 review

He Got Game

As a director, producer, New York Knicks fan, and writer, Spike Lee is one of the most dividing names currently working in films. Just about everyone has an opinion on Lee -- for good or bad -- but somewhere in there around the strong opinions and controversial comments is a very talented director. One of his best was obviously an important film for the diehard basketball fan, 1998's He Got Game.

A high school senior living in Brooklyn and caring for his sister (Zelda Harris), Jesus Shuttlesworth (NBA star Ray Allen) is a basketball star and the No. 1 recruit in the country. The world is smothering Jesus as he makes his future plans. Does he forgo his college eligibility and declare for the NBA Draft or does he decide on a university to attend? It's a decision that could cost or produce millions depending on how it works out. It's a decision that the Governor -- an alum of Big State University -- is interested in. He cuts a deal with Jesus' father, Jake (Denzel Washington), currently wasting away in Attica. Jake will be "released" for a week with one goal; get Jesus to commit to Big State, and his sentence will be severely shortened. 

I'm a fan of Spike Lee, not a diehard fan, but his films are always interesting. Now whether you take them as good or bad interesting, that's a different story, but I typically enjoy his films. However you feel about Lee, I think this is a film where you have to give him credit. 'Game' tries to accomplish a lot in its storytelling, and for the most part, it accomplishes that. It's frightening in Lee's ability to make a film that so accurately predicts the future, in this case the business of sports. Jesus' decision in theory just effects him, but that's a naive way to look at it. Everyone in the world and business of sports will be dramatically affected by his plans. Look at 'Game' in 2012, and the things we see are familiar, normal, everyday things we'd see on ESPN. Not so much in 1998. Think LeBron James, and you've got this movie.

One of Lee's trademarks as a director is his style, and that's evident here. The opening montage shows basketball (and sports on a bigger level) at its purest, kids and teenagers playing from a wide variety of backgrounds and locations. They play out of love because they want to. Watch it HERE starting at :30.  A monologue later from one shady guy (Roger Guenveur Smith) who claims to have Jesus' best intentions at heart is frightening in its accuracy. Everyone Jesus has ever met is about to become his best friend. What should be a pure, innocent and personal decision -- a 17, 18 year old kid picking his college choice -- becomes something dirty. Everyone involved starts to see the $ all over Jesus. It's sad that this is where sports has gone, but it's the truth of the business.

When this movie is clicking on all cylinders, it's that cynical nature that works. The most effective dramatic, emotional moments come from the interaction and completely shattered relationship between Jake and Jesus. We learn why Jake is in Attica, and more importantly why Jesus despises him. The performances from Washington and Allen are the best things going for 'Game.' When has Washington ever not delivered a worthy performance? None I can think of. His Jake is not an easy character to like, but that's the beauty of it. He knows he made mistakes, but he also did certain things the right way. The best thing going is we're not sure of his intentions. Does he want Jesus to go to Big State because it's what is best for him or because it will get him a reduced sentence? Playing Jesus, Allen (a Milwaukee Bucks star at the time) delivers a natural, heartfelt performance, better than just about 99% of all athletes' performances in a movie. Oh, and his jump shot is disgustingly beautiful to watch.

There are moments of perfection in this father-son relationship. The movie is at its strongest when focusing on this reconnecting, but certain scenes ring truer than others. The best scenes are those of Jake and Jesus on a basketball court. In quick, little snippets, we see Jake pushing Jesus as a little boy to get better. Later, we see an encounter where maybe Jake pushes too far, and a 12-year old Jesus responding with frustration like a 12-year old should. The best scene -- and one of my all-time favorites -- is a one-on-one game between Jake and Jesus as time runs out on Jake's "mission." Jesus is a significantly more skilled player now, but it's still a battle, Jake giving him nothing. Watch it in its entirety HERE. Stylized, message, story, I think it's one of those rare perfect scenes.

Before I forget, there are some other halfway decent actors/actresses around. Milla Jovovich plays Dakota, a prostitute Jake meets, while Rosario Dawson is particularly memorable as LaLa, Jesus' girlfriend who is up to something. 32-year old Hill Harper is effective playing Booger, Jesus' cousin and teammate. Jim Brown and Joseph Lyle Taylor have some fun as Jake's ever-present parole officers with Ned Beatty playing the warden at Attica cutting a deal with Jake. Bill Nunn is a slimy scene-stealer as Jesus' money-grubbing uncle with Michelle Shay as his more thoughtful aunt. Also look for Lee favorite John Turturro as a coach pulling out all the stops to recruit Jesus. Sports fans should also look for countless cameos from Michael Jordan to Shaq to Reggie Miller with countless coaches and TV personalities making an appearance.

Say what you want about Spike Lee, but he's a talented director, and this is one of his best. Give it a shot. I don't know how long this link will stay up there, but check out the full movie HERE at Youtube.

He Got Game <---trailer (1998): *** 1/2 /****  

Rio Conchos

No matter what movies will tell you, there was nothing particularly pleasant about the wild, wild west. Let’s even limit that from the years immediately following the Civil War right up into the 1890s. Depending on the western, you’re going to get a different picture of that brutal, plain nasty survival based time. One of the deepest and darkest? That’s 1964’s RioConchos, an ahead of its time western that still resonates today.

It’s 1867 along the Texas/Mexico border, and a shipment of 2,000 new repeating rifles meant for the undermanned U.S. cavalry has been stolen without a trace. Jim Lassiter (RichardBoone), a former Confederate officer, is arrested with one of those rifles soon after brutally shooting down a handful of Apache warriors. Lassiter is approached to undertake a dangerous mission; find the rifles before they fall into the wrong hands. He doesn’t want to but agrees to it, an incident from his past haunting him. Under the command of Capt. Haven (Stuart Whitman) and a cavalry sergeant, Franklin (Jim Brown), and with a shifty bandit, Rodriguez (Tony Franciosa), along to “even things out,” Lassiter heads into Mexico. What awaits? A Confederate officer, Pardee (Edmond O’Brien), trying to start a second war with an army of Apache warriors.

From the first time I saw this Gordon Douglas-western on a beat-up old VHS, I loved this western. It’s harder to find although it has received a DVD release the last few years. It has all the little things going for it. Jerry Goldsmith’s score is a gem (listen HERE), setting the stage for a similar score four years later with Bandolero! There’s also the location shooting in Arches National Park and Dead Horse State Park in Utah and  that adds that sense of realism that the best desert westerns have. Those little things, they can make a bad movie mildly acceptable and a decent movie into a good to great final product. The story as well doesn’t spell everything out for you. It’s not always clear what some characters’ intentions are, adding a sense of mystery to the mission.

What appealed to me most about ‘Conchos’ though was the casting. It’s a men on a mission movie, and a goodie. These aren’t four specially trained commandos working together. This is a group of four very different men at that. With his gravelly voice, heavily lined face and generally nasty demeanor, Boone looks extremely comfortable in the western setting. Lassister’s background adds some much-needed sympathy to the Lassiter character. Franciosa especially is a scene-stealer as the shiftless Rodriguez, always ready with a smile but mostly waiting for a chance to double-cross you. Whitman delivers a workmanlike performance, lost in the shuffle against Boone and Franciosa. In his first movie, Brown is a nearly-silent presence, but an imposing one at that.

The focus is on the back-stabbing quartet, but the supporting cast also features Wende Wagner as an Apache woman the group picks up along the way on the trail, Warner Anderson as Colonel Wagner, the Union commander setting up the mission, Rodolfo Acosta as Bloodshirt, a warring Apache chief, Vito Scotti as a Mexican bandit, and an uncredited Timothy Carey as a suspicious bartender with few answers. O’Brien as Pardee is nothing more than a cameo. The character is more important as a name and idea, Pardee finally showing up in the last 30 minutes. Hearing Boone say ‘Parrrrrr-deeeeeee’ is worth the price of admission alone.   

As for the whole nastiness factor, ‘Conchos’ has plenty of it and more to spare. We’re introduced to Lassiter callously gunning down five Apache warriors burying one of their own. Lassiter and Haven hate each other almost as much as the Apaches. The former Confederate wants revenge for the death of his wife and daughter at the hands of Apaches, and he sees Indians as one being; man, woman, child. It doesn’t matter. In a rage, he tries to bash Wagner’s Sally’s head in. The border setting helps too. It’s a country with little law or rule. Whoever is fastest with a gun rules.

Now up to this point, you wouldn’t be wrong to think this is an action-packed western. Ready to be surprised? It isn’t. The action is kept to quick-hitting scenes that don’t linger. That ends up being a good thing. It doesn’t overstay its welcome. An encounter with bandits is chaotic and bloody as is a showdown later with an Apache war party. The nastiness in the action department comes late when Lassiter and Co. encounter Pardee’s army of ex-Confederate soldiers, Mexican bandits, and Apaches, enduring some brutal torture at their hands. The ending still surprises me in its darkness, but it’s an ending that won’t be easily forgotten. An underrated western, one definitely worth catching up with.

Rio Conchos <---trailer (1964): *** 1/2 /****

The Dirty Dozen

One of the all-time great tough guy casts -- if not the greatest -- in one of my favorite genres. A movie that stands the test of time that is action-packed, darkly funny and amazingly entertaining. It has taken abuse over the years by some because of its shocking ending, but it also has built up a diehard following by those who will defend it to the last (including me). One of my favorite movies ever, and a Memorial Day themed review, 1967's The Dirty Dozen.

An American army officer with a record a mile long, Major John Reisman (Lee Marvin) has been given a mission that even he doesn't believe is real. It's late spring 1944, and as the Allies prepare for the D-Day invasion, the Allied high command (including Ernest Borgnine) delivers his impossible, suicidal mission. Reisman is to take 12 prisoners either sentenced to death or years of imprisonment and hard labor, train them, and then in the days before the D-Day landing, drop them into German-occupied France. Their mission? Attack a German chateau, killing as many high ranking German officers as possible, hopefully wreaking havoc on the high command. Can Reisman get the prisoners to work together before they kill him?

This is a movie that is a perfect storm of timing, casting and story. A story of 12 convicted criminals -- rape, murder, robbery -- turned commandos who resent any sort of authority given a mission to kill enemy officers in cold blood? Could that story even remotely fly in any time other than late 1960s America? It was a time when America was changing, a darker, more cynical time in our history. Director Robert Aldrich taps into something special there. 'Dozen' has a unique look to it, interesting camera angles, a catchy theme for the Dozen -- listen HERE -- and a general feel of giving the middle finger to any sort of power or authority figure. Could there be a more perfect movie for a 1967 audience?

I could write a whole review discussing the characters and the long list of tough guy actors who play them, but I doubt many people would read 10,000 rambling words about how the cast of The Dirty Dozen is the coolest thing ever. Let's start with Lee Marvin, an all-around bad-ass who by the mid 1960s had become a major, bankable star. His Major Reisman, a sarcastic, quick-witted, smart-mouthed and brutally effective officer, is probably his most well known role, and he owns this movie. With the cast behind and around him, that's saying something. Marvin delivers brutally funny one-liners left and right, handles the action scenes flawlessly, and is believable as the cynical leader of this group of crook commandos. With those type of men behind him, you need someone like him to lead. Richard Jaeckel is a scene-stealer as Sgt. Bowren, the MP assigned to work with Reisman in training and execution of the mission. Along with Borgnine, the High Command and other Allied officers include Robert Webber, George Kennedy and Ralph Meeker. Oh, and Robert Ryan as a stiff-collared officer from the 101st. Enough for you? No?

And then there's the Dirty Dozen. The group includes Charles Bronson as Wladislaw, the former officer sentenced to hang for killing one of his own men, a medic carrying medical supplies away from battle. There's former NFL star Jim Brown as Jefferson, an African American soldier who killed in self defense but is sentenced to hang nonetheless. John Cassavetes was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar as Franko, a Chicago hood who killed a London man for $10 worth of cash. Telly Savalas is Maggot, a psychopathic Southerner convinced God works through him. Clint Walker is Posey, an Apache with rage issues, Donald Sutherland is Pinkley, a dimwitted soldier, and singer Trini Lopez plays Jiminez. Rounding out the Dozen are character actors Tom Busby, Ben Carruthers, Stuart Cooper, Colin Maitland, and Al Mancini as Bravos, the smallest of the bunch but with a mean/funny streak. The focus is Bronson, Brown, Cassavetes, Walker, Savalas and Sutherland, none of them disappointing, all of them living up to the hype, all given a chance to shine.  

What has helped 'Dozen' gain its cult-like following over the years is its humor in looking at and poking some fun at war in general. Sutherland's dimwitted Pinkley is forced to inspect a crack platoon of Ryan's Col. Breed in one of the most memorable, truly funny scenes. Watch it HERE. Reisman later arranges for eight London prostitutes to visit the Dozen as their training winds down. The facial expressions exchanged back and forth are priceless. The high point comically -- however dark it is -- comes in the War Games sequence, the Dozen forced to prove their worth by capturing Col. Breed's headquarters. They resort to cheating, con jobs, stealing, and all sorts of trickery. After the extended training sequence -- which has its fair share of funny moments -- the War Games development and the eventual payoff provides some great laughs.

The portion of the movie though that tends to drive people away is the attack on the chateau. SPOILERS AHEAD SPOILERS STOP READING Here's the plan, courtesy of Reisman, which you can watch HERE. It of course, doesn't go as planned, Reisman, Bowren and the Dozen forced to improvise. Their solution is simple; throw grenades and gasoline down air chutes and burn (think napalm) the German officers to death. Heroic? No, I would say not. It's a movie though. These guys aren't portrayed as heroes. These are prototypical 1960s anti-heroes! What does work? The entire finale sequence (around 45 minutes long) is dripping with tension, and once the adrenaline starts pumping, it doesn't stop. The Dozen start to get picked off -- including two legitimate shockers -- as the bullets start flying. I've seen this movie 50 times and still root for two characters especially to make it, knowing all the while they won't. The means are brutal, but as far as an entertaining action sequence goes, it is one of the best.

I'm not sure what this says about me, but I grew up watching this movie a lot. Introduced to it via Memorial Day war movie marathons, it will be always be one of my favorites. I love its cynical, dark look at war. I love the ridiculously strong cast from top to bottom. It is funny, entertaining, action-packed, and a true example of 'They don't make them like that anymore.' A classic.

The Dirty Dozen <---trailer (1967): ****/****

The Slams

My first thought was that TCM's online schedule was messing with me. A 1973 movie starring former NFL star Jim Brown listed as a...musical?!? Nope, not buying it. That's what the genre specification said for 1973's The Slams. So out of morbid curiosity and some more genuine confusion, I had to at least give it a try. And yes, the schedule was wrong.

After pulling off a successful heist of over $1 million and drugs to boot, Curtis Hook (Brown) survives a double cross by his partners and manages to escape with the loot. He's wounded in the process though and is forced to stash away the cash while destroying the drugs and is caught by the police soon after, sent away to an inescapable prison in California. Everyone and anyone in the place knows who he is, and the mob has put a contract out on him for stealing their money/drugs. There aren't many friends inside, and everyone from the guards to the convicts to the warden want to get their hands on the stash. Can Hook manage to escape before it's too late?

The TCM description was blank, IMDB has one user review, and Wikipedia lists in fact that the movie does exist...that's all. This is a movie almost completely forgotten over the last 30-plus years and for good reason. It's not that good. Entertaining in an awful, guilty pleasure sort of way? Yes, most definitely, but that's about it.  Relatively unknown cast other than Brown with directing powerhouse Jonathan Kaplan at the helm, I'm guessing 'Slams' was a drive-in feature, maybe a second run theater type movie. If there was straight to DVD in 1973, this movie would qualify. Made on the cheap by the looks of it, it is typical of so many lower budget 1970s movies. It's not a truly awful movie, but it's close so know what you're getting into if you can manage to find a copy.

I can't go as far to say this is a blaxploitation movie, but it's close. Lots of talk of The Man, all the white guys are racist mobsters and nameless henchmen, all the black guys are either anti-heroes or truly bad street dudes, and a crazy style that in general has to be seen to be believed. Lots of language -- including some rather forced f-bombs and mother f'ers in the opening -- with more than enough gratuitous nudity and plenty of brutal violence (especially the particularly grisly ending). The musical score from Luther Henderson is funk-heavy with a little R&B mixed in. It always sounds odd compared to what's going on in the movie, but it all adds to the ridiculous quota. Just don't expect a lot of production value -- translation: low expectations -- and you'll be fine.

Now if I didn't see Jim Brown's name as the star here, there's no way I'm so much as slowing down to investigate this movie. He's the one name star/actor here, playing a character he played a lot through the 1970s.  Never a truly expressive actor, he's still pretty cool, maybe even too cool. He never seems worried that everyone wants to kill him. Eh, he's Jim Brown. I guess he doesn't have to care. Judy Pace plays his babely girlfriend Iris with Paul Harris playing Jackson Barney, Hook's old friend, a pimp on the outside working as an accomplice on the escape attempt. Frank DeKova is Capiello, the jailed mob boss who runs the place with an iron fist, Ted Cassidy playing Glover, Capiello's menacing enforcer. Frenchia Guizon has a small part as Macey, a former hit man/enforcer who may or may not be on Hook's side.

Keeping this one short because overanalyzing a movie like this is overkill. You're either going to love it or hate it, or maybe like me just go along for the guilty pleasure aspect.  It is entertaining in its badness, and let's face it. Jim Brown whether he's rolling over defenders in a football game or bashing heads as a badass con is still pretty cool.

The Slams <---TCM trailer (1973): **/****

Ice Station Zebra

Part Cold War thriller, part submarine movie, 1968's Ice Station Zebra has a lot going for it. Good story, better cast and solid directing. For years, it gained more of a cult status because it wasn't even available on DVD. It's even known as one of Howard Hughes' favorite movies. How's that pointless trivia for you? So what happens to it? Somewhere along the line, 'Zebra' goes off the tracks.

Patrolling in the North Atlantic, Capt. James Ferraday (Rock Hudson) and the U.S.S. Tigerfish, a US nuclear submarine, receives a new set of orders. The Tigerfish is to pick up a new passenger, a British agent named Jones (Patrick McGoohan), and head north to find Ice Station Zebra, a civilian weather station floating on a polar ice cap. Jones can say nothing else about the importance of the mission, only that it must be accomplished. Picking up two other passengers, Boris (Ernest Borgnine), a Russian defector, and Capt. Anders (Jim Brown), a Marine officer, the Tigerfish heads north. Ferraday quickly figures out that there is a traitor among the group and maybe even his crew. Can they find out who it is as they desperately attempt to complete their mission?

'Zebra' is based on a novel by adventure/espionage master Alistair MacLean, author of The Guns of Navarone and Where Eagles Dare. This past summer I read 'Zebra' for the first time only to discover it was a mess. I struggled to go along with it unlike any other MacLean novel I'd read. Directed by John Sturges, the film suffers from some of the same problems. In 1968, a nuclear submarine was big news, especially a portrayal on said sub. Much like Tom Clancy would years later, 'Zebra' gets bogged down in the minutiae of day-to-day life on the submarine; traveling under an ice pack, using radar and advanced technology to locate icebergs and drifts, finding a suitable spot to break through the ice. None of this makes for an exciting visual story.

That's a start though, but not a finish. Leisurely doesn't begin to describe the story here, clocking in at 148 minutes with Overture, Intermission, Entre'Acte, and Exit Music. An epic is one thing -- the 1960s were full of them -- but there is no urgency, NONE, through the first half of the movie. Before the intermission, almost nothing happens. Top that off with an explanation of the mission being held off until 105 minutes into the movie, and yeah, we've got a problem. An espionage guessing game is one thing, but almost two hours of guessing? A little much. The MacLean novel wasn't much better, throwing consistently new twists at the reader out of the blue and as needed.

Part of the charm though and cult classic status earned by 'Zebra' over the years is the casting. Big names, yes, especially some solid action stars. Some are utilized better than others. Hudson makes the best impression as Ferraday, the quiet, confident sub commander not really interested in cloak and dagger and espionage. McGoohan too is subtle in his mysterious nature, intensity brimming under his cool, even cold exterior. Borgnine gets to ham it up as Boris Vaslov, a Russian defector turned British agent, managing a quasi-Russian accent of sorts. Unfortunately, Jim Brown is wasted, his Capt. Anders almost serving as a red herring to the twists and turns. Not Brown's fault though because he's trying. Also look for Lloyd Nolan as Admiral Garvey and Tony Bill as Lt. Walker, one of Anders' Marines.

Through all the sometimes tedious underwater shots of the sub and the slow-moving story, there is that charm that I mentioned before. Not quite camp value, but something along those lines. Once some twists are actually laid out, the story picks up speed at a lightning pace. The last 45 minutes are both highly enjoyable and incredibly frustrating, keeping the action flowing and the answers revealing themselves, making me wonder why the rest of the story couldn't have had this urgency. All that said, I like this movie...sometimes in spite of its flaws.

Ice Station Zebra <---TCM trailer/clips (1968): ** 1/2 /****

El Condor

As the television market was saturated with countless western shows in the 1950s and first few years of the 1960s, western movies not surprisingly suffered. Why go to the theater and pay to see what you could watch at home? Spaghetti westerns -- movies made in Italy with European/Italian backing -- were the main response, rough, mean, violent and cynical westerns that certainly reflected the turbulent times of the 1960s. American studios at first wanted nothing to do with them, but finally started to cave...sort of. The response was a type of film that's been called everything from a Euro-western to a quasi-spaghetti western.

Released in 1970, El Condor is one of those westerns. It is pretty typical of how these movies tried to capitalize on the success of the spaghetti westerns. They were often filmed in Italy and Spain so you're seeing familiar and well-worn locations popping up. Casts needed to be filled so stars of spaghetti westerns made the seamless transition. The stories were similar, stories of gunfighters and saddle tramps, hired guns and killers, all looking to make a buck. Of course, these movies weren't spaghetti westerns no matter how hard they tried, and it shows. Still, thanks to some interesting casting and at least an attempt, most of these westerns are very watchable.

Working on a chain gang at a mine in the desert, a prisoner named Luke (Jim Brown) continues to hear rumors about a fortune in gold in the Mexican desert. Only knowing part of the story, Luke escapes with plans of getting his hands on the gold. The fortune is in El Condor, an immense mountain fortress guarded by a heavily armed garrison commanded by General Chavez (Patrick O'Neal). Inside the fortress awaits the treasure, all the gold that makes up the Mexican national treasury as Mexico fights back against French invader Maximilian. Luke seeks help, finding it in Jaroo (Lee Van Cleef), a down on his luck gold prospector who used to live with the Apaches. Recruiting over 80 Apache warriors (headed by Iron Eyes Cody), Jaroo and Luke go about preparing their plan to get the millions of dollars worth of gold.

The best thing going for this pseudo-spaghetti is the casting of Brown and Van Cleef who have a good Odd Couple, uneasy alliance buddy relationship. Still trying to prove himself as an actor/movie star after retiring from the NFL in 1966, Brown brings his usual bigger than life presence to his part as Luke. He was always more a star than an actor, but let's face it. Running back or movie star? Jim Brown was cool. Van Cleef gets to ham it up a bit, playing a part vastly different from his typical cold, steely-eyed anti-heroes that he played in so many spaghetti westerns. Individually, both men would have been capable of carrying an action movie, but together? Pie in the sky. They have a good chemistry together as they try to figure each other out, figuring who and what the other is up to.

One of the coolest things to come out of this movie though is the actual El Condor fortress, built specifically for this movie. You can see its introduction HERE via a Youtube clip. The sheer size of it makes it like an additional character, this heavily armed and guarded fortress, as impregnable as possible, taunting anyone who cares to take it on.  Some pictures of what it looks like more recently can be seen HERE at a cool spaghetti western locations website, just scroll down a bit. The fortress looks like something you'd see out of a French Foreign Legion movie with its high walls and baroque lookout towers. It's been used in several movies since, and in an age of computer-generated....well, everything, it's very cool to see such a well-built and highly functioning location.

Not quite an American or spaghetti western, El Condor falls somewhere in between. It certainly tries to offer something new in terms of violence and sex that you couldn't see on television, producing some rather odd moments. Luke and Jaroo lead a surprise attack on a Mexican patrol taking a "siesta" by kidnapping a bunch of women and having their way with them. The ambush waits until everyone's nude so we get some full frontal nudity -- not just female nudity either, awkwardly enough -- and some pretty low-brow humor. What the movie is most known for is Marianna Hill and her infamous striptease. Distracting the guards, Hill's Claudine -- O'Neal's live-in girlfriend I guess -- strips down where everyone can see her. She's completely nude for at least a couple minutes, the camera not shying away from her the way most movies would do. No complaints, Hill's gorgeous, but it feels oddly placed and kind of creepy, even voyeuristic. Basically something you wouldn't expect out of a 1970 western.

Director John Guillermin saves much of his best action for last, the final sneak attack and assault on El Condor led by Luke, Jaroo and their army of Apache warriors. The violence and action is amped up on an impressive scale. This fortress gets torn apart as the casualties mount and the gold gets ever closer. The finale saves some surprising twists -- along with Hill's distracting striptease -- that caught me off guard. I don't necessarily like the ending, but I don't hate it either. A specific choice is made that seems forced, making me question why Guillermin and the script didn't call for a darker ending because the potential is there. It is still a good example of these pseudo-spaghetti westerns even if it is a bit of a guilty pleasure.

El Condor <---trailer (1970): ***/****