Small Soldiers

With 1995's Toy Story, the idea of toys coming to life....well...came to life. While there was some really dark moments in that Pixar classic -- Sid comes to mind torturing his toys -- it was mostly a really sweet, really funny story about the lives of toys when their masters/kids aren't around. At its very basic, ground level, that's an incredibly unique idea, one all kids have thought of at some point. But what if Toy Story didn't tap the brakes? I think it would be a movie a little closer to 1998's Small Soldiers.

Helping his father run his struggling toy store, teenager Alan Abernathy (Gregory Smith) accepts (read = bribes) a shipment of new action figures during the latest delivery. From GloboTech Industries comes the Commando Elite, a specialist group of commandos headed by Major Chip Hazard (voiced by Tommy Lee Jones), whose sole goal is to eliminate their enemies, creatures called the Gorgonites, headed by Archer (voiced by Frank Langella). The toys are a new design, able to speak and respond to voice commands. Alan is stunned though when Archer doesn't just talk to him, but respond with unique answers to questions he asks. These aren't just any action figures, but that's only the start. Alan takes Archer home with him overnight, but meanwhile at the store, the Commando Elite have come to life too. Their aim? Kill Archer and his fellow Gorgonites.

While I love Toy Story, I can also appreciate how cool the premise here sounds. I'd seen bits and pieces of this quasi-family oriented science fiction story from director Joe Dante, but I finally sat down and watched it straight through recently. I liked it but didn't love it. Complaints to come, but 'Soldiers' gets a lot of points for originality if nothing else. What if G.I. Joe and Cobra toys came to life? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles vs. Shredder and the Foot Clan? Stands to reason they might try and kill each other, right? Yeah, as a kid who grew up with action figures, that's pretty cool. The graphics here are spot-on as the toys come to life. It's not CGI -- always a good thing -- and while it looks realistic, the toys are still toys. They can break (damn plastic!) and their movements are pretty stilted. It goes a long way in making it seem even remotely believable.

The focus is not exclusively on the toys. Our main character, Alan, has quite the checkered past and has been kicked out of two schools, forcing his family, including Dad (Kevin Dunn) and Mom (Ann Magnuson) to move. He meets Christy (Kirsten Dunst), his neighbor, and quickly hits it off with her...even though she only "dates" older guys. So, yes, at times the story focuses too much on that after school special drama, how tough it is to be a teenager and all that garbage. Come on, parents, trust me...even though I've given you no reason to trust me! This is the movie at its slowest and most dull, but thankfully, the story moves along too fast to stay in one place for too long. And back to the killer toys!

One of the coolest things about 'Soldiers' as a movie fan is its knowledge of past movies. Case in point? The Commando Elite are voiced by four members of the cast of 1967's The Dirty Dozen, and it would have been five, but Richard Jaeckel died before filming. The Gorgonites are voiced by the cast of This Is Spinal Tap. Getting in line behind the perfect voice casting of Tommy Lee Jones is Ernest Borgnine as Kip Kallagin, Jim Brown as Butch Meathook, George Kennedy as Brick Bazooka, Clint Walker as Nick Nitro, and replacing Jaeckel, Bruce Dern as Link Static. Along with the calmly voiced Langella as Archer, the Gorgonites include Christopher Guest as Slamfist and Scratch-It, Michael McKean as Insaniac and Freakenstein, and Harry Shearer as Punch-It. It's just fun to hear that many talented actors working together, even if it's only their voices. Also listen for Sarah Michelle Gellar and Christina Ricci as two Gwendy (knockoff Barbie) dolls.

The funnest and also darkest part of 'Soldiers' comes when the Commandos get loose and go gunning for the Gorgonites. It sounds goofy enough, even a little innocent in the fun department. How could toys kill toys? Well, it gets pretty extreme at times. The Commandos have been built with government chips in them -- thanks Department of Defense -- that turn seemingly innocent toys into brutal killing machines. Yeah, seriously, killing machines. They want to kill their rival Gorgonites, but also the people protecting them, like Alan, Christy and their families, including Christy's goofy Dad (the always fun Phil Hartman). They build assault vehicles out of bikes and skateboards, make weapons out of chainsaws and toasters. There's a cool factor involved in seeing these toys go on the offensive, but it gets pretty dark too, many moviegoers complaining the movie was mismarketed upon its initial release.

Also joining the cast are GloboTech's money-minded, condescending CEO (Denis Leary) and the developers of the Commandos and Gorgonites, Jay Mohr and David Cross. It's a fun movie with some pretty big flaws, but it is entertaining with some nice touches in the cast.

Small Soldiers (1998): ** 1/2 /****   

This Is Spinal Tap

At what point did movie spoofs get to be so cheesy?  I'd like to think it was somewhere in between Scary Movie 18 and Meet the Spartans 4.5.  It's a rough estimate, but who knows for sure?  If you're looking for a good spoof, the safest place to go is the late 1970s and early 1980s where movies like Airplane, The Naked Gun, and just about any Mel Brooks movie dominated theaters.  These were spoofs that were still somehow smart in their stupidity.  I'd seen most of these spoofs and for the first time recently watched 1984's This is Spinal Tap.

If there was anything begging to be spoofed in the 1970s and 1980s, it was the music business and all its sex, drugs and rock and roll.  And for a movie set in the 1980s, director Rob Reiner could not have picked a better musical era to set his story in.  It was the transformation from hard rock and disco to a weird mix of hair bands and heavy metal, basically the most in your face, not so subtle form of music ever.  Some groups evolved with the times while others stuck with what they knew.  Then somewhere in between is the fictional British rock band Spinal Tap, about to release their 16th album in the last 15 years.  Smart, stupid, and just all around funny from the start.

After 15-plus years together, British rock band Spinal Tap is going on an American tour that will cross the country in hopes of boosting sales for their upcoming album.  A filmmaker (Reiner) tags along to document the tour and see all the craziness that is a rock band trying to reclaim their spot at the top.  In the group are lead singers and guitarists Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest) and David St. Huffin (Michael McKean), bass guitarist Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer), along with a rotating door at drums and of course, a keyboardist. Almost from the get-go, nothing goes smoothly as the tour doesn't exactly live up to expectations.  The group starts fighting, nothing goes as planned, and interest in the new album just isn't there.  So what should these aging rockers do?

The fictional group samples any number of backstories for this spoof with The Beatles obviously the first to come to mind.  Nigel and David fight like Paul and John with a nosy girlfriend (June Chadwick) trying to take over the band and in the process driving everyone apart. Then add in aging rock stars like The Rolling Stones with a touch of Led Zeppelin and every hair band ever, and you've got the makeup of Spinal Tap.  Some of the funniest moments come from the actual performances because the music is actually pretty good, but then you start to listen to the lyrics.  Subtle went out the way a long time ago, including my favorite, Sex Farm. Their songs are so ridiculous they're funny, and the on-stage performances are a scream.

For me though, the best parts were those little vignettes where you see how ludicrous, how absolutely crazy the life of a pampered rock and roll star really is.  The best of course is Guest's Nigel explaining how Tap's amplifiers go up to 11 instead of the usual 10.  For those not familiar with this iconic scene, check it out HERE. Also look out for the underrated "Don't even look at it! Don't point at it!" line.  But that's just the start.  There's Guest complaining about the sandwiches catered backstage with bread that is too small, the band getting lost backstage on their way to the actual stage (watch HERE), a running gag with the life expectancy of Tap's drummers, and the mini-Stonehenge incident (HERE). There are few scenes out there as perfectly put together as these handful of examples, and that's just the start.  It's the interviews, the on-stage performances, the rehearsals, the hotel rooms, everything is pitch perfect here.

The main trio -- McKean, Guest and Shearer -- have worked together since on movies like Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, and several other movies, but this is their best.  Their chemistry together is impeccable, and it's hard to tell when they're actually acting off the script or just improvising wherever the scene takes them.  Guest steals every single scene he is in as Nigel (think Paul McCartney from The Beatles) and immediately becomes one of my favorite characters ever.  Several of those already mentioned scenes are sublime because of him alone, his line deliveries nailing the punch lines.  That's not to say McKean and Shearer aren't funny, they're just not as funny. There's also Tony Hendra as Ian Faith, Tap's much-maligned manager who can't seem to do anything right with these fading rock stars. A cast in a comedy has rarely been better, and that's just the start.

While those three band members, Hendra's Ian and Reiner's often off-screen director dominate the movie, there's a long list of small parts from actors/actresses who would go on to bigger and better things.  Start with Billy Crystal and then add Dana Carvey, Bruno Kirby, Anjelica Houston, Fran Drescher, Ed Begley Jr., future Letterman band leader Paul Shaffer, and the always reliable, always funny Fred Willard.  I haven't laughed this much in awhile, and I'm sorry it took this long to catch up with this comedy classic.

This Is Spinal Tap <---trailer (1984): *** 1/2 /****