Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I don't know if I can truly express how much I like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, how big a fan I was growing up and now as a grown-up kid of sorts. The animated series that ran for 10 seasons and 193 episodes was a staple in my childhood, as was the film trilogy that hit theaters between 1990 and 1993. Those four famous turtles never really left the public eye with a variety of action figures, cartoon series and even a couple reboot attempts on the franchise. Our latest entry? 2014's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Crime is running rampant across New York City as the police are seemingly baffled by the appearance of a new gang of street thugs called the Foot Clan. No one seems to be able to stop this new powerful gang led by the mysterious Shredder (Tohoru Masamune), but an intrepid young TV news reporter, April O'Neill (Megan Fox), is looking to get into the guts of the story. She stumbles into something, a vigilante fighting back against the Foot Clan...or so she thinks. It's not a vigilante, but four vigilantes but even April is in for a surprise. These four vigilantes are anthropomorphic turtles who are expert ninjas and named after Renaissance painters, Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo. They live in the sewers, only revealing themselves as needed to help fight crime while keeping their identities hidden. Heavily outnumbered, can these four teenage turtles slow down and ultimately stop Shredder and the Foot Clan?

Seriously, I loved the Turtles growing up. Yeah, we're on a first name basis. They're the Turtles. I had the action figures, the Turtle van, the baseball cards, the clothes, the weapons, and I watched that show and the movies religiously. I've grown up since (some I guess, probably not a lot), but the TMNT are still epic, still awesome. I missed out on the 2007 animated version, but just the same I was a tad curious, a bit worried when I heard another reboot was coming along. That worried feeling got worse when I read the master of explosions and flashy style Michael Bay was involved -- as a producer -- and that Megan Fox was cast as April O'Neil, the best TV news reporter...like, ever. I didn't head into this 2014 reboot with high expectations but still came away disappointed.

I don't know exactly why I didn't care for this flick from director Jonathan Liebesman. It's not one big reason, but a lot of little reasons. Let's start with the Turtles themselves. This may sound like sour grapes because the ones I grew up with are my favorites, but the Turtles...they just don't look right. They look right when it's actually something on-screen, not the CGI turtles on display here. They look like they've been hitting the gym pretty good -- cough steroids cough -- under the tutelage of their ninja master, Splinter (voice of Tony Shalhoub, motion capture of Danny Woodburn). All the familiar touches are there from their catch phrases to their rivalry (Leo and Raphael are still in a power struggle) to their love of pizza. Even their back story sticks with the known stuff but for lack of a better description, it comes down to this. Those Turtles, they're cutouts of their characters. Nothing more, nothing less.

Let's start with the voices and the characterization we do get. Jackass star Johnny Knoxville voices Leonardo, the Turtles' strong-willed leader. Yeah, Jackass star. I like Knoxville, but his voice wasn't a great match for the character. That's the most recognizable name among our quartet, Alan Ritchson (Raphael), Noel Fisher (Michelangelo) and Jeremy Howard (Donatello) rounding out the group. As we see here, Raphael is more intense and moody than ever, Donatello is more of a science/tech nerd than ever, and Michelangelo simply wants to bang Fox's April. It gets weird, the most lovable of the Turtles, Mikey himself, constantly hitting on April. I can't pinpoint it, but something was missing among the group whether it be the visual, the voices or just a poor script. Disappointed across the board.

Unfortunately, the Turtles' human counterparts don't fare much better. Yes, Megan Fox is incredibly easy on the eyes. One of the stars of the first two Transformers movies before having a falling out with Bay, Fox will never be called a great actress. She's miscast as April O'Neil, simple as that. Will Arnett is a funny guy in most things he does, but his Vernon Fenwick, April's cameraman, doesn't have much chemistry and the attempts at laughs didn't do much for me. William Fichtner is okay as Eric Sacks, a scientist and humanitarian involved with the creation of the Turtles who has some ulterior motives. In the odd 'What the heck?' casting department, Whoopi Goldberg appears in a couple scenes as April's boss at the news station. Minae Noji is underused as Shredder's enforcer, Karai.

There is some cool action in the last third of the movie as the Turtles do battle with Shredder and the Foot Clan, the battle starting on a mountaintop mansion and making its way to the streets of New York, ultimately wrapping up at the top of a skyscraper. It's pretty decent stuff, Bay's typically schizophrenic style kept relatively low-key while still packing an adrenaline punch. My biggest issue though? I was bored. I love these characters, love their story, love their camaraderie, and I was downright bored for almost the entire movie. I seem to be in the minority, 'Turtles' raking in the dough to the tune of almost $300 million internationally as I write this review. A sequel has already been announced so there's that too. An unfortunate negative review, a childhood favorite not living up to expectations that weren't that high to begin with.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014): * 1/2 /****

The Last Stand

It's good to have Arnold Schwarzenegger back. That is all. Elected Governor of California in 2003, the action star served two terms, putting his film career on hold for the time being. He returned to movies with The Expendables, a slightly bigger part in its sequel and officially took a key supporting role in last year's Escape Plan. But now, it's time for a leading role in a good, old-fashioned shoot 'em up, 2013's The Last Stand.

In the quiet border town of Sommerset Junction in Arizona, Sheriff Ray Towns (Schwarzenegger) enjoys a peaceful, restful life after years of serving in the L.A.P.D. Narcotics and Tactical Division. Well, that idyllic, peaceful life is about to get thrown a curve. With much of the town following the high school football team on a road game, Towns gets a call that someone has been murdered. His deputies stumble upon something in the desert, heavily armed ex-military firing on the deputies. At the same time, Towns gets another call, this time from FBI agent Bannister (Forest Whitaker), with a warning. A highly dangerous leader of a powerful drug cartel, Gabriel Cortez (Eduardo Noriega), has led a bloody escape and is making a beeline for Mexico in a modified, souped-up sports car. Bannister believes Cortez is heading right to Sommerset Junction. Towns figures Cortez's plan out, ex-military and all, but can he and his motley crew of deputies stop Cortez?

Ah, action movies, how I love you. This flick didn't do much business last year in theaters -- netting a little over $48 million -- but I remember catching the first trailer for this and being intrigued. This wasn't a movie I was dying to see, that I needed to see, but could it be good? Oh, you bet, and that's what it is in the end. From director Kim Jee-woon, 'Stand' is an entertaining, well-done action movie that's cheesy and goofy, blending some fun characters with one-liners, lots of bloody action and a straightforward good guys vs. bad guys premise. It isn't interested in rewriting the genre, and that's fine. In a lot of ways, it reminded me of last year's 2 Guns, a type of crime action movie that was really popular in the 1970s, especially with the U.S./Mexico border setting. Just enjoy it. Don't overthink it.

Schwarzenegger!!! It's fun to see one of Hollywood's all-time great action stars getting back to business. I got a taste of his return in Escape Plan (his parts in the Expendables are cameos as part of an ensemble, nothing more), but this is where it's at, the Governator in a lead role. Working off a script from Andrew Knauer, Schwarzenegger makes it look easy, even effortless, but he's always got that energy for the action. In other words, there's never a sense that he is phoning it in. Sure, the script has some fun with the 67-year old action star, but it's all in good fun. My favorite? "Sheriff, how are you?" to which Towns answers "Old" having crashed through a window. His backstory is handled in a quick explanatory scene, giving some depth to the small town country sheriff that's pretty familiar in action movies. How does Andy Taylor, um, uh....Arnold Schwarzenegger respond? With a whole lot of shootouts, gunfights and knock-down fist fights, as we've come to expect.

Who else to watch out for? Whitaker does his best as the city boy, the FBI agent who doesn't think a country sheriff could possibly know what he's talking about....even though the polished FBI agent just let a death row prisoner escape. Whitaker disappears in the second half as the action escalates, reappearing late. Johnny Knoxville has the comedic relief as Lewis Dinkum, the town kook with a warehouse full of guns, a part that's just right, not overused or overdone. Jaimie Alexander and Luiz Guzman are Towns' deputies, Rodrigo Santoro playing a town resident who teams up with the crew for the fight. Noriega is a more than worthy villain, his Cortez dripping with intensity and absolutely no fear, Genesis Rodriguez his "unwilling hostage." And because every cartel villain needs an over the top henchman, we get Peter Stormare as Burrell, the leader of the ex-military setting the ground work for Cortez's escape over the border. Also, look for Hollywood veteran and great character actor Harry Dean Stanton in a small uncredited part early.

With a movie that clocks in at 107 minutes, we're never long in between action scenes (and take away 6, 7 minutes for a long credit sequence). Cortez's escape is a good start -- reminding me somewhat of 2003's S.W.A.T. -- as the FBI scrambles to get him back. The highlight comes at the hour-mark, Cortez's advance crew descending on Sommerton where Towns and his deputies are waiting. It's entertaining and bloody and all over the place, bad guys dispatched with a head shot and a cool one-liner. Towns' entrance into the shootout is pretty epic too, Santoro driving a school bus, Schwarzenegger and Knoxville in the back with a seemingly ancient Vickers machine gun. The action is almost non-stop, but it's basically one sequence on top of another over the last hour. The finale between Towns and Cortez at the border is a whopper too, preceded by an epic car chase through a cornfield because....well, because car chases are cool.

Just a fun movie with some familiar touches, even the 1959 classic Rio Bravo. Sit back and enjoy it, welcoming back Aaaahnold.

The Last Stand (2013): ***/****

Jackass 3D

I remember pretty clearly stumbling across Jackass when it aired its first episode on MTV in 2000. Who were these idiots consistently putting themselves into these ridiculous situations where it looked like death or serious injury was always a possibility?  Whoever they were, I loved them and watched all their episodes, all their movies, including Jackass 3D which opened this weekend.  That's right, Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Chris Pontius, Ryan Dunn, Wee Man, Preston Lacy and all the rest of the Jackass gang, and I'm a little ashamed to admit I went and plopped down 10 bucks to go see their new movie.

From their first episode on MTV, this crew specialized in the ludicrous, the ridiculous, the off the wall humor, and a fair share of truly disgusting stunts.  It is the stupidest form of entertainment, and I feel ridiculous writing a review of this movie.  Well, it is 10 years since the original premiere and two movies later the premise is still entertaining.  The problem is that over 90-plus minutes, things tend to drag at times.  Not all the stunts/pranks work, and in the theater I saw, there was more awkward silences than I anticipated.  If you could hear what people were thinking, you'd hear a lot of "Was that funny? Should I be laughing?"  So instead of debating the social relevance of one of the stupidest movies to ever hit the big screen, I'll go through the better stunts.

The High Five: Jackass at their best.  In an office, the crew sets up a gigantic hand hidden around a corner.  When released, the hand whirls around and slams into an unsuspecting victim.  We see several incidents all which build to a bit the producers have wisely included in just about every commercial you'll see advertising the movie.  Bam gets antiqued and basically goes airborne. Just a genuine laugh that doesn't need gross out humor to be funny.

The Ram Jam: Steve-O and Ryan Dunn -- dressed up to look like members of a high school band -- get into a pen with instruments to see if some "soothing music" will prevent a ram from dropping its head and charging.  Short answer? No chance in hell.  Making it better, Steve-O gets his jeans caught on a spike and can't help Dunn as he's assaulted by a very pissed off ram.  Maybe my favorite line of the movie comes from Dunn in a truly anguished yell "Steve-O....help me!"

The Glue Bit: The gang uses super adhesive glue to well...glue themselves to each other.  Jackass always specialized in these bits where the crew is at some personal risk that will end in bodily harm.  We're not talking death or a coma or anything, just intense physical pain, and this is a gem just to see their faces when they try and separate themselves.

The Rocky: Bam throws water on someone's head and then with a giant punching glove whales on someone's head to the tune of "Eye of the Tiger."  One of the best uses of the high-tech cameras that allowed the moviemakers to slow everything down to extremmmmmmmmmme slow motion.  Even better are some of the bloopers at the end as Bam epically fails in his attempts.

The Snake River Revenge: Ryan Dunn -- one of my favorites of the Jackass team -- tries to jump a river with a souped up scooter with some not surprisingly disastrous results.  The slow motion, Dunn's genuine confusion at being asked if he's jumped a motorcycle before, Wee Man dressed up as a leprechaun dancing around, the reactions, this was priceless.

Of course, for all the good, there's some bad.  I counted three different times I felt myself gagging like I was actually going to throw up in my seat.  No descriptions really needed, but there's a man-sweat cocktail, a bungee port-a-potty filled with Steve-O and dog crap, and a couple others I'm probably forgetting.  Jackass is at its funniest with its ridiculous stunts, not its disgusting ones.  As for the 3D, I didn't pay four more dollars to see all this stuff thrown at me because I think 3D might be the stupidest thing ever invented in terms of movies.  I doubt it made much of a difference, but I'm not curious enough to pay more to see it again.  All in all, a truly awful movie that made me laugh a lot.  The great bits outweigh the duds.  No rating here because let's face it.  It's a Jackass movie, and you already know if you're going to see this.

Jackass 3D <----trailer (2010)