Trinity and Sartana

Spaghetti westerns produced countless very cool characters that popped up in multiple movies, the Man With No Name, Sabata, Django, Cuchillo, Sartana, Trinity, among others. It was only inevitable then before crossovers, remakes, and unofficial sequels, combining all the different, cool, and badass characters in half-hearted westerns. One of the worst I've ever seen? 1972's Trinity and Sartana are Coming...Those Dirty Sons of Bitches.  Sad thing is, the title's the best thing going here.

Drifting across Texas, outlaw buddies Trinity (Harry Baird) and Sartana (Alberto Dell-Acqua) can't seem to hold on to any movie they rob/steal/earn. That issue can be chalked up to the affable Trinity who is constantly giving their money away to anyone who needs it. Finally they've come across a can't-miss plan with a shipment of gold being moved across the border. The only problem is they're not the only ones who know about it. Shady businessman Burton (Stelio Candelli) is working with a bandit, El Tigre (Ezio Marano), and his gang to get the gold too, and it seems they're all on a collision course. 

For starters to anyone not really familiar with the spaghetti western genre, this is a ridiculous knock-off. Trinity was originally played by the very white Terrence Hill, but here is played by a black actor. Sartana was played by Gianni Garko and was a quiet, tough sharp-shooting gunman. Here, he is a young, annoying, acrobatic gunfighter. In other words? This is a "sequel" in name only.  The original Trinity movies with Hill are tolerable in terms of a comedic, slapstick western, but this is an awful, awful movie with little in the way of redeeming qualities.

Putting their own unique spin on two known characters (I guess that's a nice way of saying 'steal'), Dell'Acqua and Baird just don't work well together. Trinity is just trying to round up some money to get back home to Trinidad, but inexplicably keeps giving the money away. He looks like a 1830s sailor and talks like a simpleton, basically playing the biggest stereotype ever. Dell'Acqua is duded up like the ultimate gay caballero, jumping, twirling, and doing all the gymnastics moves you would expect in a western (translated: Gymnastics doesn't really belong in westerns; read: sarcasm). The dubbing is atrocious so it's hard to judge them as actors completely on their own, but somebody has to be blamed for turning two very cool characters into such annoying, idiotic dolts.

Comedy westerns like Blazing Saddles are one thing, spoofs that still manage to be smart. The Trinity westerns are just tolerable in terms of the comedy, mostly because of Hill and frequent co-star Bud Spencer working together. But as one IMDB reviewer so nicely put it, this movie has all the sophistication of a Three Stooges short, but without the laughs. El Tigre at one point falls into a pile of manure...twice. Hilarious! Sartana slaps people repeatedly (channeling Hill's Trinity), hitting them with logs, pots and pans, anything he can get his hands on. At one point, Trinity and Sartana stop their horses at a dead run, and the sound effect of a car screeching to a halt is heard. I almost stopped the movie right there. Humor is one thing, but stupidity is another.

"Doing battle" with El Tigre and his gang of 32 bandits, Trinity and Sartana push the limit a little too far. I realize it's a comedy western without the cynicism or darkness of a Leone spaghetti western, but come on. This is ridiculous. They don't actually shoot anyone. Not a single person. They shoot around them, at their feet, near them, over their head, shooting things that fall on them, but never actually hit anything. Sartana actually uses a Gatling Gun-like machine gun to sign his name into a wall. Also hilarious! El Tigre's gang surrenders without a wound received. Oh, man, I'm liking this movie less as I write more about it.

As for the rest of the cast, Candelli's Burton is a boring villain and Marano's El Tigre grating and less than sinister. Beatrice Pella plays Maribel, Burton's conniving woman, Daniela Giordano is Martha, a Mormon woman drawn to Trinity for some reason, and in a relative bright spot, Dante Maggio plays Bud Benny Bud, a traveling musician and con man. You should really steer clear of this one. Horrible soundtrack with a player piano balancing out a folksy, whistling theme, bad acting, horrible dubbing, and slapstick comedy most little kids wouldn't even laugh at.

Trinity and Sartana Are Coming <---random Youtube clip (1972): */****