Rewatching it this week for the first time in years, I realized how bad a movie it is. It was made by Hammer Films -- master of cheesy schlock in science fiction, horror, thriller and B-movies -- and came at a time when audiences ate up these low-budget flicks. In one of those weird examples where it is hard to explain reasoning, movie-going audiences went through a caveman/creature faze in the late 1960s and early 1970s. Of the ones I've seen, none of them are very good, but I don't know exactly what to say. These were movies about cavemen. Were they supposed to be good? Maybe not, but if nothing else they offered a chance to see some cool creature creations (more on that later) and female castmembers in various stages of undress or in scantily clad outfits. Take Raquel Welch out of this movie, and we're talking about a flick left to the ages.
In some sort of ridiculous past time where dinosaurs and people lived together, a caveman from the Rock tribe, Tumak (John Richardson), is banished from the group after a fight with the tribe's chieftain, Akhoba (Robert Brown). He heads out in the vast wasteland that is the desert wilderness on his own, battling creatures and conditions, desperately clinging to life. Tumak walks and walks and finally at the brink of death collapses near a large body of water where another tribe, the blonde Shell people, rescue him and bring him to their caves. One member of the tribe, the beautiful Loana (Welch), takes a keen interest in this strange, dark-looking man who walked out of the wild. But almost immediately, Tumak's ways burn that bridge too, and together he and Loana head back out into the wilderness. As they try to start a new life, a conflict is brewing between the two tribes, one that will bring them all together.
I've seen this movie a handful of times (it was a favorite of mine as a kid), but it wasn't until just now I realized how stupid it really is. To say there is an actual plot is a gigantic understatement. This is Cavemen Walking in the Desert. That's it. Occasionally, they grunt at each other, battle some prehistoric creatures, and then keep walking. The script -- yes, there is a script -- is an oddity because no actual conversation goes on at any point. There is some sort of pig latin caveman speak, but any interactions among anyone on-screen is a grunt, a blank stare, or a pissed off "I'm going to kill you!" look. If you're looking for a positive, and trust me, I'm trying, it's that director Don Chaffey shot this movie in the Canary Islands off of Spain. What did the landscape look like in prehistoric times? Who knows for sure, but this movie looks like some sort of post-apocalyptic hellhole where anything would struggle to survive. Stupid story, you bet. Great-looking movie, that too.
To talk about performances here feels beyond ridiculous to me so I'm not going to even make an attempt. Typically, I try and avoid minimizing criticisms/judgment of female characters based on looks or sex appeal alone, but that's basically impossible to do here because the whole movie is an excuse to watch Raquel Welch in her skimpy fur and leather bikini. That's it. End of movie. She's gorgeous, beautiful, out of this world sexy. Reviews have some fun pointing out that she's the most well-maintained cave-woman ever. A blonde, tan Raquel Welch in a bikini running around from all sorts of cavemen and creatures trying to kill her? It sounds like a decent basis for a movie. Who actually needs words spoken or a story when you've got that? Because there are at least a few other people in the movie, I'll mention them too. Richardson is phenomenal at looking bug-eyed and screaming, Brown is one gnarly-looking, angry dude, Percy Herbert is equally pissed off and willing to kill anyone who as much as looks at him funny, and Martine Beswick is Welch's Rock people adversary, a gorgeous, brunette cave-woman. See what they did there? Pretty sneaky.
One of the reasons movies like this are remembered so fondly are the creature creations of model-master Ray Harryhausen, he of Jason and the Argonauts fame among many other 1950s and 1960s flicks. Some 40-plus years later, the special effects do look dated, but they all add to the camp appeal of the movie. His stop-motion filming technique was a staple of a pre-CGI era in Hollywood. We see an allosaurus attack the Shell people's village, a pterodactyal swoop down and scoop up Welch's Loana, a giant turtle attack a hunting party, and several other examples peppered throughout the film. There is also the technique of super-imposing smaller animals (lizards, snakes, tarantulas) onto the screen to make them look gigantic, dwarfing the cast members. The movie never goes long without throwing some odd creature into the story, building up to the apocalyptic ending when all hell breaks loose when the volcanoes start to go. Yeah, no explanation needed there, just go with it. Throw in composer Mario Nascimbene and his epic, booming score, and you've certainly got a visually interesting movie.
Read through the DVD reviews at Amazon or anyplace really, and you'll come across complaints that the film as is on the DVD is an edited version of the film that was released in theaters in 1966. Almost 10 full minutes were cut out, and fans understandably were pissed they weren't seeing the whole movie. Good news for those fans, the print Turner Classic Movies aired recently is the full 100-minute long version. All the scenes mentioned that were cut (read IMDB's Alternate Versions HERE) were in the movie, back for everyone to enjoy. This is a guilty pleasure movie if there ever was one. A really bad, even awful movie, but one you can't help but enjoy through all the camp and cheesiness.
One Million Years B.C. <---trailer (1966): ** 1/2 /****
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