Major League: Back to the Minors

Here we go again, me being hypocritical. I'm usually pretty against any sort of sequels -- unless a movie calls for one -- in just about any form. But any-hoo, here we sit again. I'm against those sequels....unless I like them. So sue me. I've already reviewed 1989's Major League (a classic), 1994's Major League II (pretty bad but entertaining) and now, the trilogy trifecta, 1998's Major League: Back to the Minors (just bad, but entertaining).

A lifelong minor league player, Gus Cantrell (Scott Bakula) is on the last legs of his career as a pitcher, and he's trying to decide what the next step in his life is. Gus is approached by Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen), now the owner of the Minnesota Twins, but he needs a manager to groom his Triple-A team, the South Carolina Buzz. Cantrell takes on the job, knowing the team isn't exactly ripe with ready major league talent. What he finds is much worse, a team of castoffs, screw-ups and has-beens, but Gus takes it on just the same, trying to teach the team how to be quality baseball players. That's one thing though because the Twins manager, all-around a-hole Leonard Huff (Ted McGinley), has quite the rivalry with Gus, making the new manager's job that much more difficult.

Okay, here we sit. I'll be giving this movie a mildly positive review. Does it deserve it in the least? Nope, not really. This movie is an epic dud, but I like it. I'm entertained every time I watch it. There is absolutely no reason to actually follow up the equally dud-ish Major League 2 with an even worse sequel. It tanked in theaters, recouping very little of its $46 million budget (where that money went I don't know). There's no explanation of why the story is the Twins instead of the Cleveland Indians, or how Dorn ended up as their owner. There are some ties to the first two movies, starting with Brewers broadcaster Bob Uecker as foul-mouthed radio man Harry Doyle, Dennis Haysbert as Pedro Cerrano, voodoo-Buddhist and power-hitting outfielder, Takaaki Ishibashi as intense, crazy outfielder Taka, and Eric Bruskotter as Rube Baker, the goofy catcher who struggles throwing. Other than that, there's not much in common.

Okay, here we are again. I did like this movie. I swear I did. My earlier budget question is legit. Where did this money go? It was filmed in South Carolina at some backwoods-looking baseball fields. There's no Triple-A team in the world that would play at these rinky-dink stadiums. The cast for the most part doesn't look like or act like baseball players, especially when they're actually on the field. Making it worse is the use of the worst special effects I've ever seen. Anytime a baseball is hit or thrown, a CGI ball is used instead of the actual ball. Ever seen a curveball just hang there? A home run hover? It looks so ridiculously fake that it's laughable. Other than that, I swear it's an entertaining movie.

Mostly, I liked this movie because of the characters. Bakula is solid in a familiar role as the baseball lifer, a guy without the skill but all the work ethic instead. Bernsen is Bernsen as not-so-clueless anymore Dorn. The new additions in the baseball department are certainly an eclectic group, including Downtown Anderson (Walton Goggins), the egotistical power-hitting prospect, Lance (Kenny Johnson), the player with a ballet background, Hog (Judson Mills), a Wild Thing-esque pitcher with a fastball and little else, Pop (Thom Barry), the aging outfielder turned first baseman, Doc (Peter Mackenzie) the intellectual junkballer, and three different actors playing twins, the Buzz's double-play combination, Juan 1 and Juan 2. It's a collection of fun characters that if familiar and from the stock character department, so be it. They're a likable bunch.

As far as baseball reality goes, this is not close to any sort of baseball I've ever watched. Minor league teams play major league teams, managers punch each other in the face in public and are rewarded, batters charge the mound but no one moves to stop them. I'm a baseball nerd so be forewarned -- the little things bug me -- before heading in. This isn't a good movie, but I like it anyways. If it was a stand-alone movie, maybe it wouldn't even be on my radar. But with the quasi-link to Major League, I'll watch it whenever it's on TV. Lousy, a stinker, stupid from the start, I still like this one. Start watching below.

Major League: Back to the Minors (1998): ** 1/2 /**** 

Major League II

I love 1989's Major League. It's one of my all-time favorite sports movies, a great story of a bunch of screwball underdogs working together to overcome an owner trying to move the franchise. A baseball movie that's very funny with a ton of great characters and one-liners. Naturally, a sequel came along some five years later, 1994's Major League II, and it's nowhere near as good. On the other hand....it's still a baseball movie, a funny one, most of the characters are back, and though it is bad, I still love it.

Having won the division the year before, the screwball Cleveland Indians are back and ready to take another run at the World Series. The Indians came up short in the playoffs the previous season -- swept at the hands of the Chicago White Sox -- but retired third baseman turned owner Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen) has brought back the core of the team, including fireballing pitcher Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn (Charlie Sheen), veteran catcher Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger), fleet-footed outfield Willie Mays Hayes (Omar Epps) and slugging outfielder Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert). Dorn even signed a slugging, free agent catcher, Jack Parkman (David Keith), to bolster the lineup. Everyone and everything seems posed for a great season and hopefully a big postseason run, but have the Indians become complacent? Manager Lou Brown (James Gammon) certainly has his work cut out for him with this bunch.

Did you like 1989's Major League? No? What the hell is wrong with you? I'm guessing you hate America and/or baseball. Maybe both. If you answered 'yes,' then you're going to enjoy this movie too. Director David S. Ward returns from the original to direct this sequel which will appease and entertain a lot of fans because....well....it's the same movie. Yeah, yeah, some things are tweaked, but it's basically the exact movie. This season the Indians start off as front-runners, hit an epically rough streak, and then have to turn things around to get back into the playoffs. It should feel familiar -- even a little phoned-in at times -- and while it isn't on the same level as its predecessor, it is funny, entertaining and a solid if unspectacular sports movie.

A big reason it's worth putting up with some of the stupid laughs is because the characters are back. Amidst all the laughs and baseball goofiness of the original, the characters were likable (sometimes in spite of themselves). The success of the previous season has gone to the Indians' heads though, starting with Wild Thing who's now trying to clean up his image with the help of girlfriend-agent Flannery (Alison Doody). Oh, and he's lost some heat off his fastball. Veteran catcher Jake Taylor finds himself on the bench as a coach when the Indians decide to bring up a young talented catcher to backup Parkman. Replacing Wesley Snipes, Epps is solid as Willie Mays Hayes, base-stealing outfielder who's turned himself into a power hitter....and B-movie action star. Haysbert's Cerrano has forsaken his voodoo ways, turning to Buddhism and losing his ability to hit in the process. As cantankerous manager Lou Brown, Gammon is hilarious -- not surprising -- as he progressively loses his mind with his underachieving players. Playing owner-third baseman Dorn, Bernsen makes the most of a smaller supporting part.

What would a Major League sequel be without the triumphant return of Milwaukee Brewers radio man Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle, the Indians radio play-by-play guy who lives and dies with how the team does. His brutally honest banter is beyond perfect, usually questioning what the hell is going on out on the field. He has some great scenes with virtually silent partner, Monty (Skip Griparis). There aren't as many ridiculously funny, memorable lines as the original, but that's a relative complaint. How could you not love 'And the Indians have a base runner.....I think I'll wet my pants" or "He'll need a rocket up his ass to catch that one." It's his perfectly subtle, underplayed deliveries that work, and seeing him drink on-air more and more as the Indians go under is beyond perfect.

How about some additions to the team though? David Keith is the ideal egotistical star player as Parkman, the star free agent catcher. He's interested in himself and his stats, and he isn't going to be long for the Indians. Eric Bruskotter is a scene-stealer as Rube Baker, the young minor league catcher trying to make it with the big league team. He has a problem though....he can't throw back to the pitcher. Baker also just loves the game, and it rubs off on his teammates. Takaaki Ishibashi plays Kamikaze Tanaka, a Japanese outfielder trying to get his teammates, especially peaceful Cerrano, to embrace "their marbles." Think about it, you'll get it. Also with his fair share of memorable scenes is Randy Quaid as Johnny, a superfan who goes up and down with each game the Indians played. Rene Russo makes a quick, blink and you'll miss it appearance as Lynn, Jake's wife, while Margaret Whitton plays Rachel Phelps, the Indians former owner who reappears at the worst possible time.

Does it all work? No, especially Wild Thing trying to reinvent himself as a clean-cut salesman. His scenes with Flannery and former fling, Nikki (Michelle Burke), drag down the story to a snail's pace, especially because Nikki works with underprivileged kids. Yeah, a message! And with a 105-minute movie and so many characters, things feel rushed at times. Characters get brushed aside too often for long stretches, and there's never really a doubt where the story's heading. That said, it's a bad good movie. You know it's bad, but it's enjoyable from beginning to end.

Major League II (1994): ***/****

Major League

Just as a sports fan, I can appreciate there's something more special about certain sports than others. I love watching basketball, football, soccer and volleyball, but baseball will always be my favorite one to watch. That opinion not surprisingly makes the jump to sports movies where baseball movies rule supreme, especially 1989's Major League.

It's been 40-plus years (in 1989 at least) since the Cleveland Indians last won an American League pennant when a new owner, Rachel Phelps (Margaret Whitton), takes over the franchise. She's got a plan though for the struggling franchise. A clause in the city contract allows the franchise to move if attendance is at a league-low, and Rachel wants to move the Indians to sunny Miami. With hopes of driving fans away from the stadium, she assembles a team of past their prime vets, unrecognizable rookies, and in general, a team of misfits. Among the group is creaky-kneed veteran catcher Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger), ex-con with a live arm Ricky Vaughn (Charlie Sheen), and speedster on the bases Willie Mays Hays (Wesley Snipes). The team starts off badly enough, but then they figure out Rachel's plan. Can they turn it around in time?

Ignoring the two sequels (entertaining but admittedly mediocre), Major League is hard to beat as far as sports -- and more specifically  baseball -- movies go. It's truly funny with countless memorable bits and running gags, but the drama also feels real. From director David S. Ward, 'Major' used Milwaukee's County Stadium as a replacement home for the Indians. The actual MLB stadium gives an authentic feel to the developing season, especially late in the movie during the climactic one-game playoff with thousands of extras packing the stadium. It's also the little things, the running bits about different fans from the never-say-die fans in the bleachers (Too high! being a classic, watch HERE), the foul-mouthed, doubting Japanese grounds-crew, and then the average fan on the street, bonding together around their team. As a baseball fan in real life, it feels authentic.

The misfit underdog is nothing new to the sports genre, but the assembled group of misfit characters help make this movie a classic (even making the sequels tolerable in their own awful uniqueness). Some 23 years later, fans typically talk about Sheen's Vaughn or Snipes' Hayes, but Berenger is the star here. His creaky veteran has in baseball purgatory, wasting away in Mexico and hoping for a chance to get back to the majors. While the other characters may be more memorable, Berenger's Jake ends up being the heart of the movie, delivering a career-best performance. Sheen and Snipes are scene-stealers as the youngsters and breakout stars on the Indians. Sheen did his own pitching and looks like a baseball player while Snipes' infectious attitude makes it impossible not to like the character who's cocky and confident without being obnoxious.

Not so fast though, there's more, starting with James Gammon as gravelly-voiced, no-nonsense, old school baseball manager Lou Brown. A long-time minor league manager, he brings his gruff manner of coaching to the Indians, not wanting to put up with any primadonnas or attitudes. Among the other players are Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen), the third baseman more interested in his post-baseball career than showing effort now, Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert in a scene-stealing part), the Cuban exile outfielder who can crush fastballs but not offspeed pitches and turns to his voodoo roots, and Eddie Harris (Chelcie Ross), the junkball, rag arm pitcher who uses every trick in the book to keep batters off balance. Also worth mentioning is Charles Cyphers as Charlie Donovan, the Indians GM forced to keep his mouth shut as the team crumbles.

Now as good as all of these characters are, most people think of one thing when 'Major League' comes up, and that's long-time Milwaukee Brewers radio man Bob Uecker as Indians radio play-by-play Harry Doyle. A review dedicated solely to Doyle's on-air one liners would be one of the easiest reviews ever written. He drinks Jack Daniels while on-air and lacks even the slightest censor as he describes the action ("Indians manage one hit....one hit? One goddamn hit?"). Doyle's unique spin always keeps the radio listeners involved, famously describing a pitch seven to eight feet off the plate as 'Jjjjjjust a bit outside.' His on-air banter is perfect, his asides to his silent color man even funnier. A part that makes a good sports movie a great sports movie.

This isn't a perfect sports movie though, Berenger's love story subplot with ex-wife Rene Russo grinding the movie to a halt. Far too much time is spent on their backstory, distracting from the baseball action. As a baseball movie though, it is about as perfect as it gets. It gets the baseball right though with plenty of laughs, in-game action, and a great finale as the Indians battle to get into the playoffs. One of the best sports movies around.

Major League <---trailer (1989): *** 1/2 /****

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Right up there with westerns, WWII, historical epics, and spaghetti westerns, I've reviewed my fair share of film noir movies over the last several years. At their height of the genre's popularity in the 1940s and 1950s, they were a breath of fresh air, dark (in terms of story and literally shot in dark alleys and smokey bars) and cynical, throwing audiences for a loop. They never really went away, they're just not around as much or as readily available now. Some recent entries are more quasi-noirs. Is that a word? Well, it is now. Like 2005's Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

One of the best and worst things a movie can have going for it (or working against it) is a deep, extensive knowledge of the movies that came before it, the predecessors who paved the way. The good? You pay homage while putting your own spin on those things. The bad? You get so wrapped up in paying homage and showing how smart your movie is it never ends up being a good movie. 'Kiss Bang' is of the good variety. It's a modern film noir with a darkly comedic vibe to it that features one of the best-written scripts I can remember from the last 10 years. Story is great (and funny to boot), the cast is perfect, and it never takes itself too seriously. That's a perfect 3-for-3 in my book. Bear with me though, this plot description could be a doozy.

A small-time crook in New York, Harry Lockhart (Robert Downey Jr.) stumbles into an acting gig through an odd set of circumstances and ends up in Los Angeles just a day after being shot in the arm in a botched robbery. In line to get an acting job as a private detective, Harry is set up with a real P.I. and consultant for Hollywood studios, Perry (Val Kilmer), to get to know the business. Riding with Perry on a job, Harry is witness to a murder as they find a dead girl in the trunk of a car driven into a lake. So as not to get pegged as the killers, Perry and Harry bail only to have the body show up in Harry's hotel room the next day. At the same time, Harry's long-time crush, Harmony (Michelle Monaghan), is back in the picture asking him for help when her younger sister shows up in Los Angeles, dead of an apparent suicide. He agrees to help her out, and wonders, is there any way the two seemingly unrelated crimes are connected in some way?

I should qualify that description in two ways. One, it is nowhere near as serious and darkly-toned as I made it out to be.  Two, that's a very basic, general description. Director/writer Shane Black is at the helms of one of the smartest, funniest movies I've seen in quite awhile. Naturally because this movie wasn't ridiculously popular in theaters, Black has since written one thing -- a short film -- and directed exactly zero projects. Meanwhile, hundreds of sequels, reboots and remakes (yeah, a long-awaited Footloose remake!) are hitting theaters every single week. As smart and funny as this movie is though, it's never an aggressive, 'hey, look at how funny we're being!' type of humor.  It reminded me in a lot of ways of the Coen Brothers' Burn After Reading, a movie that is funny in both smart and stupid humor.

The two leads -- Downey Jr. and Kilmer -- play variations on characters that were ingrained into the noir genre.  Downey's Harry is the small-time crook brought into something much bigger than he is. Where it differs is that he goes along with all the craziness, getting himself fully involved in it all.  Kilmer's Perry -- Gay Perry is his nickname because he's...well, because he's gay -- is the experienced professional, knowing the ins and outs of the business.  They're the characters you know and are well aware of ratcheted up a notch or two.  They keep the movie grounded as all the craziness unfolds all around them, and don't be confused. The story bounces off the walls at all times.  Throw in the lovely and very talented Ms. Monaghan to complete the triangle of lead characters, and you've got a winner.

Throwing all that talent together is one thing, but will they work well together?  A resounding 'yes' is the answer here.  Harry is the high-wire, fast-talking crook, and the movie's narrator (one of the funniest, most honest and blunt narrations you'll ever see/hear). Perry is easily agitated by Harry's antics but never shows it. Kilmer delivers his lines so deadpan it takes a second for them to land. When they do, they produce big laughs. Even taken out of context with no knowledge of the movie, the quotes are funny. Give them a read HERE. Add in Monaghan's Harmony (an aspiring actress) and her genuine frustration with Harry and worry about her sister, and you've got this oddly perfect setting and casting. Also look for Corbin Bernsen as a Hollywood big-wig, Larry Miller as Harry's agent, Dash Mihok and Rockmond Dunbar as two thugs tailing Harry, and Shannyn Sossamon as a mysterious girl involved with all of the above.

I don't know how to classify this movie though as I try to wrap things up. The IMDB page has 'action, comedy, and crime' listed, and all three are legitimate descriptions.  A modern film noir doesn't even do it justice, it just happened to be the thing that came to mind.  It is all those things, and it's much more.  Imagine a typical film noir with some action, throw in a touch of romance and even romantic comedy -- gasp! -- with plenty of genuinely funny laughs (smart humor and physical humor), and you've got this movie. It probably should be an awful movie because all those things together just shouldn't gel at all.  But it does, and we get to watch it all come together in one of the most underrated movies of the last 20 years.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang <---trailer (2005): ****/****