The Sons of Katie Elder

The Sons of Katie Elder
"First, we reunite, then find Ma and Pa's killer...then read some reviews."

Monday, July 15, 2013


I knew this day would come....I just didn't know when and in what form. Well, it's here. There is a new champion at the top, that one film that can be universally dubbed as the greatest movie in the history of cinema. Not just Hollywood, not particular to one country's film industry. This is a film that covers all and more. It is..............2013's Sharknado. There will be no discussions or arguments. This is simply the best film ever.

Running a mildly successful bar on the Santa Monica Pier, former surfing champion Fin (Ian Ziering) sits back and remembers his glory days fondly. One day, it's all thrown for a loop when a horrific storm rolls up the coast, bringing it with it countless sharks of all varieties. High winds turn into a hurricane, turning the pier into a disaster area, the weather eventually pushing inland and with countless sharks to boot. Fin's concern is on one thing, saving his separated wife, April (Tara Reid), and daughter, Claudia (Aubrey Peeples). With some friends from the bar, Fin heads to April's house as the storm picks up. More and more sharks are swimming through the streets, popping out of storm drains, anywhere and everywhere. There's more though that the hurricane is hiding. In the distance, Fin is starting to see something else; immense waterspouts that seem to be lifting something...sharks. You know what that means, once they hit shore they will turn into.....SHARKNADOS!!!

Premiering last week on the SyFy channel, 'Sharknado' blew up on Twitter, producing immense amounts of buzz and attention while only gaining decent ratings. Let me tell you, you NEED to watch this movie. It is great. It is best watched with many friends and much booze. Sit back and enjoy it, and be ready with the remote because you'll be laughing so hard at times you'll have to rewind to actually re-listen to the other horrifically awful lines you missed. Let there be no doubt. This will be a one-star review, but it's supposed to be a one-star review! It's a SyFy movie so it's supposed to be a horrifically guilty pleasure with gigantic plot holes, horrific special effects and some of the most awful, wooden acting you've ever seen. It all adds up to a modern classic, one of the best worst movies I've ever seen. I'm also completely recommending it.

There's no point in analyzing this one on its so-called "technical merits." It probably cost about $148 to make, and let me tell you, it certainly reflects that. The special effects are laughable, the greenscreen work even worse, and any semblance of a script was left behind ages ago I imagine. I laughed throughout and feel confident saying I would on repeat viewings. By my count, I remember three different Jaws references, including one character, the babely Nova (Cassie Scerbo), explaining why she hates sharks so much, giving her own watered down version of Robert Shaw's classic speech. Upon hearing this story, Fin's son, Matthew (Chuck Hittinger) states "I really hate sharks now too!" Talk about an impeccably delivered line. Nova later deadpans "We're going to need a bigger helicopter!" which also caused me to wet my pants I laughed so hard. It's just a solid script.

Oh, Beverly Hills 90210, where have you gone? I'll give Ian Ziering credit. He commits here, and that's what you've got to do if you're in a movie called Sharknado. It's bad stuff so you might as well have fun with it. His Fin is our hero, a family man trying to bring his family back together. Yes, there's enough time for some after school special crap about bringing an isolated family together. Yeah, a lesson! Ziering is hamming it up but without looking like it. In a sea of dreck, he's pretty good. His crew of friends and customers include Scerbo's Nova, hating sharks while wielding a pump-action shotgun and wearing a bikini top and jeans shorts, Aussie surfer dude Baz (Jaason Simmons) who's always ready with a cheesy one-liner, and George (John Heard, the Dad from Home Alone) as a booze-hound who frequents Fin's bar and makes everything weird. At one point as he overlooks a blood-covered patch of water, Baz actually says "It must be that time of the month." Yes, that just happened. It's that prideful of a script.

Then there's Tara Reid of American Pie fame doing.....well........something. She looks confused, like she's questioning how she got here and what exactly she's doing. If you're going to be in a bad movie, just own it. Wooden doesn't begin to describe her acting style here. As sharks rain down all around her, Miss Reid looks downright bored. She narrowly beats our her film kids as the worst acting on display.

Blah blah blah, this is a review for a movie called Sharknado, or for the newbs among us, a tornado filled with sharks. Yep, that could be the stupidest, coolest thing I've ever written. How could that not be an amazing movie? These waterspouts apparently scooped up the sharks at sea and are now flinging them around Los Angeles, leaving Fin and Co. to navigate a shark-infested city. It's amazing stuff. At different points, Fin has to fight a shark, rescue a school bus full of stranded kids, rappelling down a bridge to get them, and then also unleashing a chainsaw attack on those damn, dirty sharks. Oh, sorry, wrong movie. It takes a little while to get to the Sharknados unfortunately, but once they arrive, watch out. You are in for a treat.

The best is really saved for the last here as Fin, Baz, Matthew, Nova and Co. figure out a plan of attack. That plan? Fly a helicopter into a hurricane and throw a bomb at it, reversing the tornado/hurricane's "power." I'm no science expert, but that sounds legit enough to me. It's an amazing final sequence. Do a drinking game about who will and won't survive. You'll get some surprising results. Ziering's Fin saves the best for last, using his chainsaw for one last kill and making a surprising rescue. Look, if you've made it this far, you have a sick sense of humor. This is a truly bad movie, but it's amazingly entertaining. Good for a lot of laughs so get on board with Sharknado!

Sharknado (2013): */****

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